As of late, my life has been somewhat of a topsy-turvy carnival where all of lifes mishaps come to feast. A place where emotions are present but hardly ever invited. I have been in what can only be called a downward slump. I was in a situation where I thought I knew exactly what I wanted.......but apparently I was wrong. I was in a position in which my faith was tested (but then again, who isn't in a situation like that almost everyday?). I was in a situation where I thought to myself, "what am I doing here?!", and not in a meaning-of-life kind of way but more of a who-would-care-if-i-was-gone kind of way. I had thoughts in my head that no one should ever have. I was thinking of ways to kill myself but trying to make it look like an accident so people would remember me in a good way, not in a way that "he was depressed [which means crazy]". (Don't read too much into this....I'm depressed but I'm also very shallow, I could never kill myself......I'd worry too much about the mess of blood that would have to be cleaned up! Lol!) Anyway, I can't lie and say I'm over all that but I can say, I'm feeling a little better. I figured it was about time for an update. I know you've all been wondering and no, I don't wear underwear on tuesdays. Jk!!! I know you've been thinking "I wonder when Farzad is leaving to culinary school". Well, sadly, I will not be going after all. Unfortunately, this time its all my fault, especially since my dad didn't even know about it. I tried but I could not find any kind of financial aid since my parents still claim me on their tax information. The most I was able to save was $5,000 (with an EXTREME amount of help from my mom) and that would only cover the cost of MAYBE 3 months of living. I was nowhere close to where I needed to be financially. BUT, I am looking into other options for schooling. I'm very excited about a few of the options but I'm not going to say what they are yet. I don't want to jinx anything, as I usually tend to do. Just pray that things work out. I'm sure one day I'll finally settle on something for my life but for now, I'm happy being mediocre. (Ok, I'm lying!! But at least I've got the theatre back so I have some kind of outlet for my emotions!!)

At Least I'm Semi-Normal, (??)
FF
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Yesterday, a great man left this earth. Ali was more than a family friend. He was family. Since I was just a kid, I remember holidays and vacations spent with my uncle Ali and my cousins Jenny and Anthony. Whether we all met at a certain destination or visited each others homes, the times spent with him were some of the happiest times I can remember. He had a special ability to make my whole family happy. I'm sure he could do this with any family, he could do this with the world. He was always so full of light, love and compassion. I know that since my dad came to America, he and Ali have been the best of friends; helping each other start new lives in a country and culture that was new to them. Any time my family would go on a road trip, my dad would tell us of all the adventures and mishaps from back in the day with Ali Daee. Any time we were all together with the Jafari family, I always felt like I had someone to talk to. Sadly, I feel like I never could have learned enough from Ali.

I know how bad I'm going to sound for saying this but, I have never looked up to my dad. It makes me so sad to feel like I've never been able to look up to him. He has never once told me that he is proud of me, never told me anything without insulting me at the same time. I just don't feel like I should look up to my dad. The one "father figure" I've had is Ali. I say this in the sense that even though I never really had any deep conversations with him, I knew that if I ever needed him, he would be there. I knew that he would always love me and my brothers the same as he loves his children. He always gave me that feeling.

There was a stretch of just a few years that we all spent quite a few holidays together. Everytime, I was always not only so excited to see Jenny and Anthony ("hhoussssekeeeppping!!") but I was also always very excited to see Ali. I could never really show how excited I was because I couldn't let my dad feel like I liked Ali more than I liked him but I was excited nonetheless. It was always a great feeling to be in the same room, at the same dinner table, or even jet-skiing with Ali. He had the kind of spirit that could truly and sincerely light up any place.

Ali was a man that truly loved life. He loved his kids and he never failed to let them know that. This was something that I was always jealous of. What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't tell the truth? I know how horrible of a person I must sound like sometimes but I need to tell the truth. I was jealous of Jenny and Anthony because they loved their dad. They always respected him and honored him, as I'm sure they will continue to do in his absence. I have never felt that for my dad. Any time I get the slightest little inkling of that emotion, he does something to tear it to shreds. Ali is the person that gave me hope that maybe one day, my dad could be as kind and loving as Ali. Anyway, this is not about me or my dad. (I seem to have gotten carried away).

Since the day I heard of Ali's accident, I have been going a little crazy. It was the day that I was going to tell my dad that I was going to go to culinary school. I didn't even have the guts to tell my dad to his face. I sent him an email. As soon as I heard the news about Ali and Theresa, I went into my dads email account and deleted it. I knew that if my dad was feeling anywhere close to what I was feeling, that it was not the right time to tell him. All I could think at that moment was that Ali needed to get better. Since then, every moment that I've gotten a chance to sit down and really think, there was always only one thought in my mind..."Pray for Ali". I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and sorrow that has come over his children. All I can do now is pray that they have peace and that they realize that they are not alone. They say that there is power in numbers when it comes to prayer. I know that there were probably an unbelievable number of people praying for him to get better or at least for the best possible result to happen. I know that death is not anyones idea of the best possible result, but we need to remember that he is no longer suffering. His children made the hardest decision imaginable and I know that they will emerge from this situation stronger than they already are and so much more ready for anything that comes their way. Their father was always proud of them and I know that they will never fail to make him proud as he watches over them.

Ali Jafari was the kind of man that I would like to be. A gentle man and a gentleman. He will not be forgotten. He will always be loved and I hope that one day we will meet again.

FF
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All this shit goin on right now! The last thing I need after a long day at work, and a full day of not eating anything but a piece of birthday cake, and being on the phone with tmobile/blackberry tech support trying to fix my phone, is for my little brother to be insulting me. When I got home, I immediately started getting things ready to take to my grandmas house for a garage sale I'm having. I asked farshid for help and as usual, he refused. He said he had a "headache". Whatever. That lil bitch just didn't want to get his lazy ass off the couch to help me. As I was going in and out of the house taking things to my car, farshid got up and did a variety of things for himself including preparing himself dinner. I don't know about you but the last thing I want to do when I have a headache is get up and make food. Much less sit in front of a tv for hours listening with the volume just a touch too loud. So since my parents are out of town, my mother is being her usual paranoid self and suspecting that farshid is having a party at home. And that he is completely drunk. First of all, farshid has no friends over 21 to buy him anything and he knows as well as my mom does that we won't buy it for him either. Second, when my mom says "no parties" we usually listen. And we totally tell her when we do have a party. I call it respect, you may call it something else. So I called farshid to see what he was doing and he was at a coffee shop so I said "ok, bye". Simple, no? I found out what he was doing, said ok and bye. He called me back in an outrage! He started with "why did you park the suburban behind my car?!" I said "because you were bieng lazy and didn't want to move your car so I moved the suburban to a less obtrusive place". Then he started slinging insults at me " balh blah asshole blah blah blah idiot blah blah blah I'm always nice yadda yadda yadda". So then, I hung up on him. I do not need to sit around and just listen when someone continues to insult me and doesn't give me a chance to speak.I do the same thing anytime my dad speaks to me, I just walk away. He wasn't going to move his car so I moved another car to accomodate my needs. Its that simple. He needs to quit being a little bitch and just move the other car. Just like I did. He then called me 4 more times!!! I ignored every call. I knew he was just going to continue yelling (just like my dad) and insulting me. I don't need to deal with that. Just like so many people have told me before "you need to weed out the bad people in your life". That's what I was doing, on a very small scale. I love my brother but he needs to chill the f*** out!!!! He is so moody all the time, always rebelling and he's against everything. He never has an opinion (at least not when its asked for) and he's never genuinely nice. And I know its just because he doesn't want to be. I hate that he behaves like that. Its so immature. Oh!!! And then he left me a voicemail saying "yeah farzad, that's real mature, real grown up for you to hang up on me like that. I don't know if you think I'm nice, but I'm gonna start being a real asshole to you from now on. Who hangs up on people when they are in the middle of talking to someone?!" Ummm.......I didn't know you had to stick around for an insult session. Anywho, he's mad, I'm glad, let's just all get over it! I don't plan on speaking to him tomorrow unless its totally necessary. Oh and on that note, its now 2 weeks and 6 days since my dad has spoken to me. But I won't not talk to farsh for that long. We'll get over it as soon as I come up with something to say thatll make him feel bad for talking to me like that. Lol!

Drop It!!!!
FF
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Since my dad has spoken to me. Since then, it seems that he takes any precautionary measures to avoid me. As do I. I purposely avoid him in order to avoid confrontation and pointless arguments. My mom keeps trying to get me to "release my anger" but I keep trying to tell her that I'm not angry. I'm sad. How would you feel if your father wasn't talking to you?! It not even that he is not talking to me, its that he purposely ignores me. The other day, at my cousins birthday party, I saw him do the most childish thing (as if the ingoring wasn't childish enough). He looked to the line of people getting food (which I was in) saw me, and sat down. He watched and waited until I got back to my table so he could get up and serve himself. Wtf?! He is such a baby. But seriously, whatev. I really don't care anymore. Last week I was freaking out so much that I had to mooch xanax from a friend and now I realize, its not that bad. Now I am guaranteed to be left alone. No more arguments. I don't have to share anything with him......I could walk by with a dozen donuts, savoring one with glaze falling to the ground as I take each bite, and not have to offer him anything. I know that makes him so upset, but he won't say anything because he's too proud. Remember kids, that's one of the seven deadly sins. Mmmm......donuts. I can't believe that I am in all of this crap with my dad and there are people that don't even have dads. People that have lost their fathers. People who's fathers are holding on to their life with everything they've got in them. My mom told me today that the machines that are keeping my uncle in Colorado alive will be turned off on friday. This pains me so much to even think of what my cousins are going through. And if I haven't said this before, its not my actual uncle or my actual cousins but we've kinda grown up together so that's how we feel about each other. And we call him Ali Daee (which means uncle ali in persian). Then again, all us persians are related one way or another. Its like six degrees of kevin bacon but with persians. I can't imagine the world without Ali. He is such a generous person. Always so loving and caring for everyone. Honestly, as I've grown up seeing them on a lot of holidays and spending a lot of time with them, I've seen that not all persian dads are like my dad. I don't understand how he could have come from the same country as my dad. He is so nice!!! All the time. And you know it because his kids truly love him....not just because they have to. You can hear it when they talk about him and you can see it when they are all together. This should not have happened to him. And I'm not saying that anything like this should ever happen to anyone, I'm just saying that he, of all people, deserves to be with his family and friends. He lives a good life because he is a good person. Good people don't deserve to be put in situations like this, no one does. I am now asking you, my trusty reader(s) to pray for him and his family. To give them peace, comfort and strength. If you are catholic, christian, jewish, whatever. Just pray. Or do what you do to help people. Miracles do happen and I truly believe that Ali Daee deserves one.

Pray,
FF
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