To my mind. Recently I've been in a sort of slump. I'm actually not even sure that that is the right word for it but I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for the past few weeks. I know the problem is about my dad and my inability to tell him that I am going to culinary school. Or at least that is what the problem is stemming from. I told my mom that I think I need to be on xanax. That may have been a bad idea. She will not leave me alone. She is trying to "fix" me. One minute, she doesn't want to admit that I have some kind of problem and the next minute she's trying to get me to a "religious counselor". Whatevs. All I want is silence. I want to get away from everything. It seems like everything is too crowded, too loud, too much for me right now. I used to be so outgoing and friendly and now I feel like I'm turning into some bitter little freak that hates everything. I don't want to become someone I hate. This is all my dads fault. Right now, I have one parent who is trying to "fix" me and one parent who is ignoring me at all costs. Who wants to be in my shoes?! No one? Well that's what I thought. My mom keeps trying to get me to tell her what I'm thinking. I only told her half of it. Or maybe less than half of it.

I think about my future. I think about my dad. I think about what consequences may come of any of my actions in the future. I think about how I'm scared that my little farsh will turn into my dad. I think about how I'm scared that I might turn into my dad. I think about how I feel like I may never amount to anything in my life. I think a out my uncle in Colorado who has been in and out of a coma for 2 1/2 weeks and how I can't do anything to help. I think that I'll never raise enough money to go to culinary school. I think that once I get the money (if I get it) will I go to culinary school just to spite my father or because I really want to. I think I might get stuck in el paso for the rest of my life. I think people are only nice to me because they think they have to be. I don't think anyone really likes me for any particular personality trait that I have. I think my mom thinks I'm gay because I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years. Or 6 years. I lost count. I think I won't ever get a girlfriend because I'm so extremely picky. And I am so extremely scared of what she may think of me. I think I need a real vacation (I.e. No phone, no tv, no internet. Just me and a book and a bottle of ciroc vodka) I think I really don't want to be in rocky horror but I like to have friends so I'll do it anyway. I think I may die before I ever get close to getting married. I think I don't want to be in school because the only reason I'm there is to make my dad happy but HE'S NEVER HAPPY!! I think in a lot of different languages all at once. I think that makes me crazy. I think I'm a horrible singer but sometimes, I'm not that bad. I think I really wouldn't mind taking over my dads business if I could run it like a modern business and not one that is stuck in 1991. I think I don't ever want to see speak or hear from my father ever again. I think I can't concentrate, sleep, work or just be me because I think I think too much.

What do you think?
FF
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I don't consider myself a chicken though. This is for the mental safety of everyone in my house. Tonight, when I got home, I started to watch the much-anticipated return of Heroes in the season 3 opener. I brought my dogs in with me to join in on the momentous occasion. With only about 20 minutes left of the show, my dad gets out of bed and waddles on down to the den. He sees that my dogs are sleeping on the couch with me. In that moment, its as if the furies and flames of hell erupted in his eyes. He's found it! The opportunity to bite my head off!!!! He went almost ballistic. He started screaming and accusing me of purposely putting the dogs on the couch where he puts his face (??) because apparently I just don't like him or respect him. He said I did it because I didn't like him?! What are we in fifth grade or something?!?! I can't believe he is being such a baby about this little incident. It is due to this random act of satan that I have hacked (or just logged into) my dads email account and deleted the aforementioned email (I Just Pulled The Trigger...). I know; its a total chicken-shit move but I can't even magine the reaction when he reads that letter. So now, I have locked my self in my room (literally....my door handle is broken from the inside and I locked the outside of my bathroom door so I really can't get out). I've taken 2 vicodins and now I'm just waiting to fall asleep. Don't worry, I'll probably come to my senses and re-send it (with a read-receipt this time!) in the morning. But to be on the safe side, I've packed a bag with at least 2 days of clothes. But of course, I packed smart. 1 pair of jeans, 2 shirts, 2 underoos, 1 pair of shoes and all my spare car keys (3 total) just in case my dad tries to raid my room and repossess my car when he finds out about the school.

Sweet Dreams Bitches,
FF
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and possibly killed my self. or at least my life. i just told my dad that i am going to culinary school....whether he likes it or not. i dont have the stones to tell him face to face (but you'd understand if you knew him when he's angry) so i sent him an email. maybe this wasnt the best way to go about telling him. now i have to wait until he reads it. i have no idea when he'll check his email so i am shitting more than bricks right now. i am shitting the brick house made by one of the three little pigs. i was on a diet up until about ten minutes ago. i cant go without food right now. i am too stressed out. AAAHHHHH!!!!im freaking out on the inside. i cant freak out out loud cuz im at work and i dont want my freaking out to freak other people out. freaky freakin freakidy freaker. so if you dont hear from me by the end of the day tomorrow, send help. and can you imagine if my dad doesnt check his email today?! how ridiculous would that be?? i would have to talk to him at home and have the thought in my head that i am about to crush him and act like nothing is wrong. this is making me go insane. i dont think i am going to accomplish much at work today. i think maybe i should prepare an info sheet so my dad knows more about where i am going and waht is happening. or maybe i should just prepare my funeral plans. that way everything goes exactly as i want it to. i want shakira songs playing. and it would be nice if she could be there.

:-(
FF

I feel like my stomach is about to jump out of my mouth, flop around on the floor and then die, right in front of my eyes. Tomorrow is the day I am finally going to tell my dad that I am going to culinary school. I am not going to ASK if I can go. I'm going to TELL him that I AM GOING. I don't even want to begin to think about his reaction. Which is why I decided to tell him in the form of a letter. I'm so nervous about it that I really feel like I am going to throw up everything I've eaten in the past year. I don't want to tell him. I just want to leave and finish culinary school so I can be a chef!!!! I feel nervous, anxious, frustrated (I'm running out of emotions....and I don't know many other words for what I'm feeling). As many of you know, my dad doesn't want me to go to culinary school. I won't go into detail because I think its all in a previous blog. But still, I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "I'm going. Even if he says no because I'm not seeking permission, just approval. I'm going.". But then I think "I can't go if he's not ok with it". I need to just get over it and give him the letter. And even then, why don't I have the guts to tell him face to face?! Why do I have to be such a pansy and hide behind some piece of paper?!? There could be 2 possible answers to this: first, I've talked to my dad a few times before about culinary school and and NEVER has it ended well. Second, if he reads it, maybe he'll comprehend it easier? I dunno. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight so I might just pop a few "candies" to help me along. I just want to learn everything about cooking. Then maybe one day I can sit and have an intelligible conversation with Alton Brown about the caramelization of sugar or how to make the perfect hollandaise. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. In any case, if it happens again that I get thiseffingclose to going to culinary school and then ending up with me telling everyone I couldn't go again because of my dad....AGAIN, I'm going to need a therapist. I just know it. I won't be a mentally stable person if my plans fall through again.

I need a xanax,
FF
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While driving to lunch with Eliza today, we coined a new term, "vicious with a smile". Eliza mentioned that she thought it was a good name for a band or something and I said it would make a good title for a blog. So here it is, "Vicious......With a Smile".

Sometimes, life is good. Sometimes, life is bad. One thing is for sure, life is always vicious......with a smile. Think about it: life sucks. How many times do you ever think to yourself "wow, I'm really happy. There is nothing wrong with my life" ? Never, you say?! That's what I thought! That's how life is so vicious. When is there not something bad going on that is always on your mind? Wars, idiotic presidential candidates (and their running mates who use their downs syndrome baby as a selling point), cancer, etc. Yet, there is always that promise that something greater lies ahead. Wars come to an end, the better choice (usually) wins the election, people beat cancer, etc. Do you ever hear anyone say that your life is never going to get any better? No! They always say "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" or "look at the silver-lining".

For example, my life (recently) has been very uneventful. I've had the same hum-drum routine for a while and I can honestly say that something is wrong with me. I don't know if I'm depressed, bored, anxious, etc., but something needs to change soon. A couple of weeks ago, I took a little vacay with my mom and brother (Scottsdale, if you recall from recent blogs) and we visited the Scottsdale Culinary Institute. I'm very happy to announce that I applied, was accepted and within a few hours of my visit, I was already set up with my brand spankin new student email address, a campus advisor who is helping with all the finer details of securing my transfer to Arizona and a renewed hope for a better life. Please don't misunderstand me, I have a good life. I can't complain about anything I have right now but you must understand when I say that a person can go crazy when living under the same circumstances and environments for years at a time. I'm young. I don't want to go to my high school reunion having not accomplished anything in my life because I got too comfortable in mommy and daddy's comfort zone. I'm not gonna be that "junior" that my dad wants me to be. I'm not a carbon copy!!!!

The only problem with the school is that I haven't told my dad yet. I know, I know! I need to tell him asap. My mom has given me a "deadline" of September 30 to inform my dad. The thing that is different about this time is that I am saving up my money so he sees that I am much more responsible now compared to what I was before. I am not expecting him to give me his blessing in going to school. The only thing I am expecting is that he explodes and throws the biggest bitch fit that we have ever seen. To him, he'll see it as a betrayal. I don't know how to explain it but if you talked to him about it, you'd understand. On the other hand (here comes the "...with a smile" part), I'm FINALLY going to culinary school!! Snaps for me! Now please, don't talk to me about it. I know it seems dumb and you'd think I'd love to talk about it 24/7 but I feel like if I talked about it all the time, it won't happen. I just wanted to tell you all this so you don't call CNN when I go missing in the end of December (that's when I'm moving.....hopefully)

Keep in mind that if for any reason whatsoever, I do not go to this school in January, I will go insane!! I don't think I'll be able to hamdle so much disappointment if Idont go to another school because of my dad (recap: culinary school '03, san diego '04, art institute for advertising '04, gave up in '05 and '06, film school '07, AMDA '07), all of those schools were denied to me simply because my dad won't support me (emotionally or financially). I'm glad to announce that I have worked on emotionally detached myself and am no longer seeking the approval of my father so I hope everything goes better this time around.

So just remember, life is always vicious but it never does it without a smile to comfort you. I'm SO looking forward to my smile.

There is plenty more that I have to share with you (including: theatre, cancer, work, school, general life) but will be coming in future blogs. Haha! How's that for a cliffhanger!?!

Say a Little Prayer For Me,
FF

P.S.: (no I don't have cancer, its just a topic I'd like to discuss)
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Happy Labor Day! While everyone else is relaxing at home, most likely having cookouts or swimming with friends, I will be in my room. Cleaning. All day. That is, of course, until 7o'clock when the season premiere of Gossip Girl comes on. But in the meantime, my room will begin to look more and more organized and I will most probably be rearranging it (as I do everytime I clean my room out). Let's all cross our fingers that this time it stays clean at least until Christmas! Its a short post but I just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm still alive............because I'm sure you were dying to know!

FF
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