I feel sick....

I feel like my stomach is about to jump out of my mouth, flop around on the floor and then die, right in front of my eyes. Tomorrow is the day I am finally going to tell my dad that I am going to culinary school. I am not going to ASK if I can go. I'm going to TELL him that I AM GOING. I don't even want to begin to think about his reaction. Which is why I decided to tell him in the form of a letter. I'm so nervous about it that I really feel like I am going to throw up everything I've eaten in the past year. I don't want to tell him. I just want to leave and finish culinary school so I can be a chef!!!! I feel nervous, anxious, frustrated (I'm running out of emotions....and I don't know many other words for what I'm feeling). As many of you know, my dad doesn't want me to go to culinary school. I won't go into detail because I think its all in a previous blog. But still, I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "I'm going. Even if he says no because I'm not seeking permission, just approval. I'm going.". But then I think "I can't go if he's not ok with it". I need to just get over it and give him the letter. And even then, why don't I have the guts to tell him face to face?! Why do I have to be such a pansy and hide behind some piece of paper?!? There could be 2 possible answers to this: first, I've talked to my dad a few times before about culinary school and and NEVER has it ended well. Second, if he reads it, maybe he'll comprehend it easier? I dunno. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight so I might just pop a few "candies" to help me along. I just want to learn everything about cooking. Then maybe one day I can sit and have an intelligible conversation with Alton Brown about the caramelization of sugar or how to make the perfect hollandaise. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. In any case, if it happens again that I get thiseffingclose to going to culinary school and then ending up with me telling everyone I couldn't go again because of my dad....AGAIN, I'm going to need a therapist. I just know it. I won't be a mentally stable person if my plans fall through again.

I need a xanax,
FF
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