Come On In.....

To my mind. Recently I've been in a sort of slump. I'm actually not even sure that that is the right word for it but I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for the past few weeks. I know the problem is about my dad and my inability to tell him that I am going to culinary school. Or at least that is what the problem is stemming from. I told my mom that I think I need to be on xanax. That may have been a bad idea. She will not leave me alone. She is trying to "fix" me. One minute, she doesn't want to admit that I have some kind of problem and the next minute she's trying to get me to a "religious counselor". Whatevs. All I want is silence. I want to get away from everything. It seems like everything is too crowded, too loud, too much for me right now. I used to be so outgoing and friendly and now I feel like I'm turning into some bitter little freak that hates everything. I don't want to become someone I hate. This is all my dads fault. Right now, I have one parent who is trying to "fix" me and one parent who is ignoring me at all costs. Who wants to be in my shoes?! No one? Well that's what I thought. My mom keeps trying to get me to tell her what I'm thinking. I only told her half of it. Or maybe less than half of it.

I think about my future. I think about my dad. I think about what consequences may come of any of my actions in the future. I think about how I'm scared that my little farsh will turn into my dad. I think about how I'm scared that I might turn into my dad. I think about how I feel like I may never amount to anything in my life. I think a out my uncle in Colorado who has been in and out of a coma for 2 1/2 weeks and how I can't do anything to help. I think that I'll never raise enough money to go to culinary school. I think that once I get the money (if I get it) will I go to culinary school just to spite my father or because I really want to. I think I might get stuck in el paso for the rest of my life. I think people are only nice to me because they think they have to be. I don't think anyone really likes me for any particular personality trait that I have. I think my mom thinks I'm gay because I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years. Or 6 years. I lost count. I think I won't ever get a girlfriend because I'm so extremely picky. And I am so extremely scared of what she may think of me. I think I need a real vacation (I.e. No phone, no tv, no internet. Just me and a book and a bottle of ciroc vodka) I think I really don't want to be in rocky horror but I like to have friends so I'll do it anyway. I think I may die before I ever get close to getting married. I think I don't want to be in school because the only reason I'm there is to make my dad happy but HE'S NEVER HAPPY!! I think in a lot of different languages all at once. I think that makes me crazy. I think I'm a horrible singer but sometimes, I'm not that bad. I think I really wouldn't mind taking over my dads business if I could run it like a modern business and not one that is stuck in 1991. I think I don't ever want to see speak or hear from my father ever again. I think I can't concentrate, sleep, work or just be me because I think I think too much.

What do you think?
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile