What can I say? First of all, I'm (finishing)writing this almost 2 weeks after I left LA. I've been so busy that I haven't been able to finish til now. That was totally the kind of vacation I needed. I didn't do anything for anyone but myself. I need this vacation from my world of constantly doing things for others. Farsh and his roommates have been very hospitable (although the apartment itself, not so much). Not having a defined plan (as I am accustomed to having) was verrrrryyyyy strange and annoying to me BUT I think it provided a very good escape. I was able to finally finish "Kitchen Confidential" by Anthony Bourdain, which I highly recommend. Now I started on the next book from my list (which I'll post later), which is the first in a series of 3 books by Jeff Lindsay. They're the books that inspired the Showtime series "Dexter". I have been very lazy about taking pictures on this trip. I came with a fully charged camera and am going home with the same. I have taken advantage of the fact the I am not driving to actually see L.A. this time. I have finally seen the Hollywood sign!! As far as I can remember, I don't actually think I've ever seen it in person. I saw so many of the celeb hotspots in hollywood (beso, area, dolce, koi, I'll sole, etc.) and I saw one celebrity whose name I cannot recall. Not so exciting or important but I just thought I should share that. We went to Universal, the Getty Center and In'n'Out!! Also, I shopped. Not as bad as usual but nevertheless, I shopped. It felt goooood. And I didn't use ANY of my credit cards. Only money that I actually had. Unfortunately for me, that means I have no money left. JKJK!!!! I still have some money and not deeper in debt! And I got 2 pairs of nice, tight diesel jeans, a cardigan, tshirts, cashmere scarf, and I can't even remember what else. Yay me! I had a good time seeing farsh and I'm glad I realized I'm happy for him. Not jealous. He did something that I have been dying to do and he did it (almost) by himself. I'm proud of my little bro. And you should be too. :-)

Long Live The Farsh,
FF

P.S. I know I have been taking A LOT of time between posts but I have much much more to share so stay tuned my trusty reader!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

i am not going to france. just so you all know. all 3 of you.

good day,
FF

I seem to have gotten myself in to. Last month, nearing the end of the run for "Nightmare Before Christmas" at Center Stage, Stacy (the director/owner) asked if I'd like to be in "The Last Five Years". I reeeeeeallly wanted to be in it but just a few days before, the director of the show I did with EPCC called and asked me to do a show with her. I was reluctant to do any of the shows because I knew I would have a pretty busy schedule in the coming semester in order to be ready for France in the fall (!!!). I informed the EPCC director that I couldn't do her show for that very reason. When Stacy asked me if I wanted to be in her show, I was so conflicted because I wanted to do the show so badly (it was the show I would have done had I not gotten kicked out just a year and a half earlier) but had already told someone else I couldn't do their show because of school. Both shows, by the way, would have been rehearsing and performing around the same time. I told Stacy, after thinking it through, that I couldn't do the show for two reasons: 1] I was expecting a very busy semester and I don't think I would have the time to dedicate to rehearsing for a 2 hour, non-stop singing, emotionally-draining show and 2] I already told the other director I couldn't do the show with her and it would be wrong of me to do another show, going against what I told the other director. That would have made me a liar and I won't have that. :-) So now, I dropped by rehearsal (not just because they asked me to but I wanted to see everyone) and I really want to do the show now. I know, I know.......I know what you told me Dalit, "you know you're gonna end up doing it anyway, yadda, yadda, yadda...". And you're probably right, even though I said "Nightmare" would be my last show, I can't help but want to do this show. If not just to finally be able to perform it after learning it all the first time and then abruptly getting kicked out, but also for the show. Its a great show. Its very emotional and yet heart warming. Its sad but so real too. If I did do the show, it would only be one or two performances. Its just a 2 person show and there are quite a few pairs doing it so I would do a couple of shows. I know I really shouldn't do it. But I'd be done with it by the 3rd week of school if not sooner. The other show would have taken me well into the first week of March. Its against my morals. I can't tell one person one thing and turn around and do the exact opposite. Its wrong. But then again, aren't rules sometimes meant to be broken??

Should I flip a coin????
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

As flat as they day I bought it. It has never been filled with ANYTHING. My family has never been reeeeeally in to the whole "traditional" christmas so I resent all those christmas movies putting ideas in my head of what it should be like. My Christmas has usually consisted of between 1-3 gifts of average quality. Sweaters, colognes, some kind of entertainment thing (vhs, dvd, cd, etc). I hate to be so "un-humble" here but I'm really ticked off and I need to vent.I spent a lot of money this year on christmas gifts. Money that I really shouldn't have been spending but I don't like to think that people are going without christmas gifts or that they feel "left out" if they didn't get anything. I donated between 60-70 to ONE PERSON, truly out of the kindness of my heart because I would have preferred to sell them but I know that this guy needed the clothes more than I needed the money. I do good things. I am a good person. When is the universe gonna return the favor??!! When is this 'karma' crap gonna kick in?! I know I shouldn't expect anything but seriously!!! Its about freakin time already!!! I got 250 dollars for christmas this year. And a dvd from my brother. The 250 came from my mother for the sole purpose of "getting me out of christmas debt". She just paid me for her new iPod. Fantastic. The dvd is a USED one. I suppose it IS the thought that counts and it was very nice of my brother and my mother to at least remember to get me something. I always give and give and give and I never really expect things in return but IT WOULD BE NICE!!!! My mom couldn't even get me a heartfelt card. She used the same generic one that she mailed out this year. How do you think that makes me feel?! On monday, my mom asked me to do her christmas shopping for her. I bought (on behalf of my mother)for my older brother a new BlackBerry Curve, my younger brother a new Sony GPS system and I, myself, bought them -in addition to what gifts I had already purchased for them- all the accessories for their new gadgets. They had plenty of gifts to open, stockings stuffed, I even bought everyone their own brand new, personalized-by-me travel coffee mug and all I got was 250 cash in a "no-thought-was-put-into-this" generic holiday card and a used dvd. But its the thought that counts, really. There is not doubt that when I make my credit card payment this month, along with the $250, I will be able to pay off one credit card in total but I would like to know that a little more thought was put into my gift. I didn't ask for anything this year because I don't need anything. It give me pleasure to make others happy. But if you are going to get me gift, make it count. I do!!!!! Time and time again, I do my best to make it count. My mom mentioned in june that she would like to get an iPod. I remembered that and what did I get her for christmas?! An iPod!!!! Whatever. I'm tired right now and I have a TON of other things on my mind. Dalit hasn't called me back in like 4 days and my therapist is out of town til January 7th. I'm going crazy here!!!! I need a vacay.

Merry Freakin' Christmas.
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

My back hurts. Since yesterday afternoon. I was awake half the night in pain and with uncontrollable itching (thanks to the codeine). This morning, not only am I moving about like an old man in pain, but I also feel like may just blow chunks at any moment. Those damn painkillers make me feel ridiculously hungover. I'm gald I didn't spew in my moms car though. I think I just need to eat something. But who knows, I'm sitting in a doctors office right now, waiting to be called in, and there is no food. I just wanna get back in my bed and do nothing all day!!! I feel like an 80 year old man. I'm only 23!! Why is this happening?! Anywho, I have my first final today at 1 and hopefully by then I'll be feeling better so I can concentrate on my test and not worry about my back. I have been here for almost an hour and not one single person has been called in. Whay is this taking so long?! I told the receptionist that the doctor was a friend of ours so hopefully she'll bump me up on the list even though there were only a couple of people waiting when I got here. Well, obviously todays blog was just for me to vent a little about my back. I know I haven't written in a while and I just don't know why. Anywho, enjoy this one, as it is possible that it may be a while til the next one.

Peace, Love & Painkillers,
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

....On my mind right now. I need to find a way to get everything together. To re-organise myself. Ideas are jumping around in my mind like frogs jumping from lilypad to lilypad. I'm doing a show at Center Stage. Right now, I really don't think I have time to do a show. But I need the escape so I'm doing it. I think it will be good for me mentally and physically. But it is extremely time-consuming and I never really get a break from it. Rehearsals are Sunday-Thursday from 7-9. That leaves me 2 nights out of the week to myself. But I never really have them to myself because my family is always going to/invited somewhere and I am the only one of the brothers that ever goes. Everyday consists of waking up (between 730 and 8) getting to work by 930-945, going to school (T-Th only), going back to work until 5, get home at 530, go to theatre at 630 and usually stay til 930. And of course, during the "travel time", there are plenty of stops....groceries for the house, pharmacy runs, food for myself, school things, etc... By the time I get home (for good), I'm pooped!!! I don't feel the strength to do anything. By the end of the week, I just want to stay home and do nothing. Thankfully, this week is thanskgiving so I will have a bit of a break. No school from wednesday-monday, no rehearsal on thursday, friends in from out of town. This is setting itself up to be a good weekend. I'm just tired of being here. I am getting the feeling again that I am stuck in a rut. Always the same thing!! I think I'm going to end up being one of those people that never really settle in one place. I'm going to be everywhere. I'm gonna either work my way from place to place to place OR have houses everywhere so I can just up-and-leave whenever I want to. Oh goodness.......I just wanna start all that in France. I have a feeling that once I'm there, a lot of doors will open for me.

Knock-Knock.......Bonjour!!!
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I'm blogging. I told y'all that I'd give you a thorough update of what has been going on with me. The last time I wrote something other than halloween pictures and nonsense, it was about my life being semi-normal and just before that I wrote somewhat of an obituary (although I really don't like that word so we'll call it a "remember&honor" blog). Now I am going to try truly updating. I'll do my best to keep it detailed but not too long-winded. And I'll do it numerically (in no particular order):
1. I went to san diego last week to surprise Dalit for her birthday!! It was fun but I'm not gonna lie, it was totallly not the kind of vacation I needed. I wanted to just relax and be alone but instead I drove a lot and was always surrounded by people. I would have been happy to just hang out with my best friend all day but I had to chill with my aunt and uncle for a while considering I was staying at their house. And on top of all that, my back was killing me the whole time! I didn't pop pills the whole time, only on the flights because I knew I would be sitting for hours and I had stops both ways. [See Dalit!! I'm not a druggie!!] I hate to say it [no, I don't] but I think I need another vacation to get over this one.
2. As I may have previously mentioned, I told my dad a little about culinary school. And I say a little because I didn't actually say that I was planning on going whether he liked it or not. Here's how it happened (with a few extra details, just so it all makes sense)....when I sold my car, I was planning to pay for a new one on my own. I wanted to use the money from selling the old car as a down payment on the new one. My dad flipped a little when he found out I sold it (even though he knew I had been trying to sell it since november...it was now june). After making me give him the check I got from selling the old car, he took me to buy a new one. He told me he'd pay for it and I would pay him the difference ($6000). So just a couple of weeks ago, I gave my dad $3000. He asked "ver deed you get thees money ferom" [where did you get this money from?] and I told him I was saving it for school. He asked "vaht eskool?" [What school?] And I said culinary school. I thought at this point, he would flip out. He then asked "how match ees eet?" [How much is it?]. I replied with "$40000 but I am looking at better, more affordable options". He then said "like vaht?" [Like what?]. Me: "studying in france for a year. Its only $15000 for the whole year, including everything" he then said "that sonds goood. Make de peroposel and geev eht to me tonight." [That sounds good. Make a proposal and give it to me tonight" I was ecstatic when he told me that. I couldn't believe that some words of interest came out of his mouth!!! Was I dreaming? Was I in the Twilight Zone?? Seriously, was I being Punk'd?? More on this subject in a future blog post.
3. I have started to see a therapist. I've only gone twice now but I really do feel like its helping me to let everything out. And its good to know that I'm not the only one that thinks the circumstances in which I was raised were a bit difficult to deal with. Honestly, I was a little apprehensive to go to a therapist. I was expecting someone to tell me so lay on the couch and tell them my feelings as they took "notes" and said "mmhmm, mmhmm, and how does that make you feel??". I would have stepped right on outta there if it was like that. But this therapist seems to actually be interested in what I'm saying. Its like talking to a friend I've known for years. And I totally did not expect to be brought to tears in the first session. Lol!
4. My back has been hurting since my birthday (august 9th, mark your calendars). It has been the worst physical pain I have ever felt!! As of monday, november 17, the pain has significantly decreased. I have no idea how but it doesn't hurt anymore!!!! Its a kwanzaa miracle, y'all!! I know I need to restrict my movements and be careful with what I lift, etc., but I am just so happy it doesn't hurt anymore.

I think that's all for now. I'm going to get ready for school now. I've got 20 minutes to shower and get out of the house and we all know that with me, that's NOT possible. But I'll try my best!!

Peace!!!
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I have finally (completely) fixed my blackberry. Everything has been re-installed and I now have my memopad back!!! That was the main reason I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. I usually create a blog in the memopad and then email it as an attachment. That way it doesn't interfere with sending/receiving other texts/emails. Well, a quick update because I have to study for my persian test. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow. I'll exlpain more later. Some more good news......I told my dad about culinary school. I told him I'd been saving money for it but that it was too expensive and I was looking at other, much more affordable options (i.e. Studying in france for a year). Yes, believe it or not, studying in france for a year is MUCH more affordable than a culinary school that's only 400 miles from home. Anyway, he's totally into the idea and he has even asked me for more info. He's NEVER done that. EVER!!!!! I almost jumped when he told me "that sounds good. Make a proposal and show it to me at dinner". My mom screamed a little when I told her. It felt so good that my dad was finally showing an interest in something that I had an interest in. AND he has even told his friends that I am going to france! What is happening!!!! Have pigs grown wings and nobody told me?! This is crazy. I have to study now. I'll be back soon with more updates and more stories for you all.

Wow,
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Ok so I went to see Carrie Underwood again (for the second time in less than a year) and she was amazing AGAIN!! This time she seemed much more open and friendly and enthusiastic in general. Last time, at the Don Haskins center, she seemed like she was just going through motions, and she still sounded great. This time around, I took my little cousin Roxana and we had 13th row, floor seats. We were 6 seats from the stage!!! She came out looking for "prince charmings" in the audience and she was right in front of us so I jumped up on my chair and screamed "I'M RIGHT HERE!!! I LOVE YOOUUUU" and I was waving and SHE LOOKED AT ME AND WAVED BACK!!!!!!!! I was shaking!!! I was so excited and I almost fainted! Lol! It was so cool. We totally had a moment. Haha! I wish! Now, I've met various celebs before (many of them just happened to be at the Pan Am center where Carrie performed tonight) including John Mayer, Gavin DeGraw, Marié Digby, Sheryl Crow's Guitarist (lol), etc...but this time, it felt way cooler. Maybe because everyone was watching! Haha! Anywhoooo, this was a great fun night and I hope Carrie and I meet again in the near future. *sigh*

I'd totally give her my "Last Name",
FF

P.S. Carrie is obviously not the prominent person in the picture, the guitar guy was totally c***blocking.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Courtney and I

Aracely and I

Shonna and I

Another One of The Three of Us

El Senor and La Senorita Zorro

NayNay, Sofia Quesadilla and I

Before Republic

At Republic

This is a picture of Prince Caspian, Snow White and a member of the Munchkinland Lollipop Guild. Just thought you'd all like to see a little of my costume. We had a lot of fun other than the idiotic DJ that stopped the music every five minutes to do stupid shout-outs. The drinks were mediocre too but the place was cool in general. I'll post a couple more pics later (most of which I'm snagging from Naomi). I'll also be posting my plans for this weekend. Its gonna be my dads birthday and apparently we're having a big party. Y'all should save me from it. :-)

Stay Tuned For More!!!
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

As of late, my life has been somewhat of a topsy-turvy carnival where all of lifes mishaps come to feast. A place where emotions are present but hardly ever invited. I have been in what can only be called a downward slump. I was in a situation where I thought I knew exactly what I wanted.......but apparently I was wrong. I was in a position in which my faith was tested (but then again, who isn't in a situation like that almost everyday?). I was in a situation where I thought to myself, "what am I doing here?!", and not in a meaning-of-life kind of way but more of a who-would-care-if-i-was-gone kind of way. I had thoughts in my head that no one should ever have. I was thinking of ways to kill myself but trying to make it look like an accident so people would remember me in a good way, not in a way that "he was depressed [which means crazy]". (Don't read too much into this....I'm depressed but I'm also very shallow, I could never kill myself......I'd worry too much about the mess of blood that would have to be cleaned up! Lol!) Anyway, I can't lie and say I'm over all that but I can say, I'm feeling a little better. I figured it was about time for an update. I know you've all been wondering and no, I don't wear underwear on tuesdays. Jk!!! I know you've been thinking "I wonder when Farzad is leaving to culinary school". Well, sadly, I will not be going after all. Unfortunately, this time its all my fault, especially since my dad didn't even know about it. I tried but I could not find any kind of financial aid since my parents still claim me on their tax information. The most I was able to save was $5,000 (with an EXTREME amount of help from my mom) and that would only cover the cost of MAYBE 3 months of living. I was nowhere close to where I needed to be financially. BUT, I am looking into other options for schooling. I'm very excited about a few of the options but I'm not going to say what they are yet. I don't want to jinx anything, as I usually tend to do. Just pray that things work out. I'm sure one day I'll finally settle on something for my life but for now, I'm happy being mediocre. (Ok, I'm lying!! But at least I've got the theatre back so I have some kind of outlet for my emotions!!)

At Least I'm Semi-Normal, (??)
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Yesterday, a great man left this earth. Ali was more than a family friend. He was family. Since I was just a kid, I remember holidays and vacations spent with my uncle Ali and my cousins Jenny and Anthony. Whether we all met at a certain destination or visited each others homes, the times spent with him were some of the happiest times I can remember. He had a special ability to make my whole family happy. I'm sure he could do this with any family, he could do this with the world. He was always so full of light, love and compassion. I know that since my dad came to America, he and Ali have been the best of friends; helping each other start new lives in a country and culture that was new to them. Any time my family would go on a road trip, my dad would tell us of all the adventures and mishaps from back in the day with Ali Daee. Any time we were all together with the Jafari family, I always felt like I had someone to talk to. Sadly, I feel like I never could have learned enough from Ali.

I know how bad I'm going to sound for saying this but, I have never looked up to my dad. It makes me so sad to feel like I've never been able to look up to him. He has never once told me that he is proud of me, never told me anything without insulting me at the same time. I just don't feel like I should look up to my dad. The one "father figure" I've had is Ali. I say this in the sense that even though I never really had any deep conversations with him, I knew that if I ever needed him, he would be there. I knew that he would always love me and my brothers the same as he loves his children. He always gave me that feeling.

There was a stretch of just a few years that we all spent quite a few holidays together. Everytime, I was always not only so excited to see Jenny and Anthony ("hhoussssekeeeppping!!") but I was also always very excited to see Ali. I could never really show how excited I was because I couldn't let my dad feel like I liked Ali more than I liked him but I was excited nonetheless. It was always a great feeling to be in the same room, at the same dinner table, or even jet-skiing with Ali. He had the kind of spirit that could truly and sincerely light up any place.

Ali was a man that truly loved life. He loved his kids and he never failed to let them know that. This was something that I was always jealous of. What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't tell the truth? I know how horrible of a person I must sound like sometimes but I need to tell the truth. I was jealous of Jenny and Anthony because they loved their dad. They always respected him and honored him, as I'm sure they will continue to do in his absence. I have never felt that for my dad. Any time I get the slightest little inkling of that emotion, he does something to tear it to shreds. Ali is the person that gave me hope that maybe one day, my dad could be as kind and loving as Ali. Anyway, this is not about me or my dad. (I seem to have gotten carried away).

Since the day I heard of Ali's accident, I have been going a little crazy. It was the day that I was going to tell my dad that I was going to go to culinary school. I didn't even have the guts to tell my dad to his face. I sent him an email. As soon as I heard the news about Ali and Theresa, I went into my dads email account and deleted it. I knew that if my dad was feeling anywhere close to what I was feeling, that it was not the right time to tell him. All I could think at that moment was that Ali needed to get better. Since then, every moment that I've gotten a chance to sit down and really think, there was always only one thought in my mind..."Pray for Ali". I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and sorrow that has come over his children. All I can do now is pray that they have peace and that they realize that they are not alone. They say that there is power in numbers when it comes to prayer. I know that there were probably an unbelievable number of people praying for him to get better or at least for the best possible result to happen. I know that death is not anyones idea of the best possible result, but we need to remember that he is no longer suffering. His children made the hardest decision imaginable and I know that they will emerge from this situation stronger than they already are and so much more ready for anything that comes their way. Their father was always proud of them and I know that they will never fail to make him proud as he watches over them.

Ali Jafari was the kind of man that I would like to be. A gentle man and a gentleman. He will not be forgotten. He will always be loved and I hope that one day we will meet again.

FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

All this shit goin on right now! The last thing I need after a long day at work, and a full day of not eating anything but a piece of birthday cake, and being on the phone with tmobile/blackberry tech support trying to fix my phone, is for my little brother to be insulting me. When I got home, I immediately started getting things ready to take to my grandmas house for a garage sale I'm having. I asked farshid for help and as usual, he refused. He said he had a "headache". Whatever. That lil bitch just didn't want to get his lazy ass off the couch to help me. As I was going in and out of the house taking things to my car, farshid got up and did a variety of things for himself including preparing himself dinner. I don't know about you but the last thing I want to do when I have a headache is get up and make food. Much less sit in front of a tv for hours listening with the volume just a touch too loud. So since my parents are out of town, my mother is being her usual paranoid self and suspecting that farshid is having a party at home. And that he is completely drunk. First of all, farshid has no friends over 21 to buy him anything and he knows as well as my mom does that we won't buy it for him either. Second, when my mom says "no parties" we usually listen. And we totally tell her when we do have a party. I call it respect, you may call it something else. So I called farshid to see what he was doing and he was at a coffee shop so I said "ok, bye". Simple, no? I found out what he was doing, said ok and bye. He called me back in an outrage! He started with "why did you park the suburban behind my car?!" I said "because you were bieng lazy and didn't want to move your car so I moved the suburban to a less obtrusive place". Then he started slinging insults at me " balh blah asshole blah blah blah idiot blah blah blah I'm always nice yadda yadda yadda". So then, I hung up on him. I do not need to sit around and just listen when someone continues to insult me and doesn't give me a chance to speak.I do the same thing anytime my dad speaks to me, I just walk away. He wasn't going to move his car so I moved another car to accomodate my needs. Its that simple. He needs to quit being a little bitch and just move the other car. Just like I did. He then called me 4 more times!!! I ignored every call. I knew he was just going to continue yelling (just like my dad) and insulting me. I don't need to deal with that. Just like so many people have told me before "you need to weed out the bad people in your life". That's what I was doing, on a very small scale. I love my brother but he needs to chill the f*** out!!!! He is so moody all the time, always rebelling and he's against everything. He never has an opinion (at least not when its asked for) and he's never genuinely nice. And I know its just because he doesn't want to be. I hate that he behaves like that. Its so immature. Oh!!! And then he left me a voicemail saying "yeah farzad, that's real mature, real grown up for you to hang up on me like that. I don't know if you think I'm nice, but I'm gonna start being a real asshole to you from now on. Who hangs up on people when they are in the middle of talking to someone?!" Ummm.......I didn't know you had to stick around for an insult session. Anywho, he's mad, I'm glad, let's just all get over it! I don't plan on speaking to him tomorrow unless its totally necessary. Oh and on that note, its now 2 weeks and 6 days since my dad has spoken to me. But I won't not talk to farsh for that long. We'll get over it as soon as I come up with something to say thatll make him feel bad for talking to me like that. Lol!

Drop It!!!!
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Since my dad has spoken to me. Since then, it seems that he takes any precautionary measures to avoid me. As do I. I purposely avoid him in order to avoid confrontation and pointless arguments. My mom keeps trying to get me to "release my anger" but I keep trying to tell her that I'm not angry. I'm sad. How would you feel if your father wasn't talking to you?! It not even that he is not talking to me, its that he purposely ignores me. The other day, at my cousins birthday party, I saw him do the most childish thing (as if the ingoring wasn't childish enough). He looked to the line of people getting food (which I was in) saw me, and sat down. He watched and waited until I got back to my table so he could get up and serve himself. Wtf?! He is such a baby. But seriously, whatev. I really don't care anymore. Last week I was freaking out so much that I had to mooch xanax from a friend and now I realize, its not that bad. Now I am guaranteed to be left alone. No more arguments. I don't have to share anything with him......I could walk by with a dozen donuts, savoring one with glaze falling to the ground as I take each bite, and not have to offer him anything. I know that makes him so upset, but he won't say anything because he's too proud. Remember kids, that's one of the seven deadly sins. Mmmm......donuts. I can't believe that I am in all of this crap with my dad and there are people that don't even have dads. People that have lost their fathers. People who's fathers are holding on to their life with everything they've got in them. My mom told me today that the machines that are keeping my uncle in Colorado alive will be turned off on friday. This pains me so much to even think of what my cousins are going through. And if I haven't said this before, its not my actual uncle or my actual cousins but we've kinda grown up together so that's how we feel about each other. And we call him Ali Daee (which means uncle ali in persian). Then again, all us persians are related one way or another. Its like six degrees of kevin bacon but with persians. I can't imagine the world without Ali. He is such a generous person. Always so loving and caring for everyone. Honestly, as I've grown up seeing them on a lot of holidays and spending a lot of time with them, I've seen that not all persian dads are like my dad. I don't understand how he could have come from the same country as my dad. He is so nice!!! All the time. And you know it because his kids truly love him....not just because they have to. You can hear it when they talk about him and you can see it when they are all together. This should not have happened to him. And I'm not saying that anything like this should ever happen to anyone, I'm just saying that he, of all people, deserves to be with his family and friends. He lives a good life because he is a good person. Good people don't deserve to be put in situations like this, no one does. I am now asking you, my trusty reader(s) to pray for him and his family. To give them peace, comfort and strength. If you are catholic, christian, jewish, whatever. Just pray. Or do what you do to help people. Miracles do happen and I truly believe that Ali Daee deserves one.

Pray,
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

To my mind. Recently I've been in a sort of slump. I'm actually not even sure that that is the right word for it but I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for the past few weeks. I know the problem is about my dad and my inability to tell him that I am going to culinary school. Or at least that is what the problem is stemming from. I told my mom that I think I need to be on xanax. That may have been a bad idea. She will not leave me alone. She is trying to "fix" me. One minute, she doesn't want to admit that I have some kind of problem and the next minute she's trying to get me to a "religious counselor". Whatevs. All I want is silence. I want to get away from everything. It seems like everything is too crowded, too loud, too much for me right now. I used to be so outgoing and friendly and now I feel like I'm turning into some bitter little freak that hates everything. I don't want to become someone I hate. This is all my dads fault. Right now, I have one parent who is trying to "fix" me and one parent who is ignoring me at all costs. Who wants to be in my shoes?! No one? Well that's what I thought. My mom keeps trying to get me to tell her what I'm thinking. I only told her half of it. Or maybe less than half of it.

I think about my future. I think about my dad. I think about what consequences may come of any of my actions in the future. I think about how I'm scared that my little farsh will turn into my dad. I think about how I'm scared that I might turn into my dad. I think about how I feel like I may never amount to anything in my life. I think a out my uncle in Colorado who has been in and out of a coma for 2 1/2 weeks and how I can't do anything to help. I think that I'll never raise enough money to go to culinary school. I think that once I get the money (if I get it) will I go to culinary school just to spite my father or because I really want to. I think I might get stuck in el paso for the rest of my life. I think people are only nice to me because they think they have to be. I don't think anyone really likes me for any particular personality trait that I have. I think my mom thinks I'm gay because I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years. Or 6 years. I lost count. I think I won't ever get a girlfriend because I'm so extremely picky. And I am so extremely scared of what she may think of me. I think I need a real vacation (I.e. No phone, no tv, no internet. Just me and a book and a bottle of ciroc vodka) I think I really don't want to be in rocky horror but I like to have friends so I'll do it anyway. I think I may die before I ever get close to getting married. I think I don't want to be in school because the only reason I'm there is to make my dad happy but HE'S NEVER HAPPY!! I think in a lot of different languages all at once. I think that makes me crazy. I think I'm a horrible singer but sometimes, I'm not that bad. I think I really wouldn't mind taking over my dads business if I could run it like a modern business and not one that is stuck in 1991. I think I don't ever want to see speak or hear from my father ever again. I think I can't concentrate, sleep, work or just be me because I think I think too much.

What do you think?
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

I don't consider myself a chicken though. This is for the mental safety of everyone in my house. Tonight, when I got home, I started to watch the much-anticipated return of Heroes in the season 3 opener. I brought my dogs in with me to join in on the momentous occasion. With only about 20 minutes left of the show, my dad gets out of bed and waddles on down to the den. He sees that my dogs are sleeping on the couch with me. In that moment, its as if the furies and flames of hell erupted in his eyes. He's found it! The opportunity to bite my head off!!!! He went almost ballistic. He started screaming and accusing me of purposely putting the dogs on the couch where he puts his face (??) because apparently I just don't like him or respect him. He said I did it because I didn't like him?! What are we in fifth grade or something?!?! I can't believe he is being such a baby about this little incident. It is due to this random act of satan that I have hacked (or just logged into) my dads email account and deleted the aforementioned email (I Just Pulled The Trigger...). I know; its a total chicken-shit move but I can't even magine the reaction when he reads that letter. So now, I have locked my self in my room (literally....my door handle is broken from the inside and I locked the outside of my bathroom door so I really can't get out). I've taken 2 vicodins and now I'm just waiting to fall asleep. Don't worry, I'll probably come to my senses and re-send it (with a read-receipt this time!) in the morning. But to be on the safe side, I've packed a bag with at least 2 days of clothes. But of course, I packed smart. 1 pair of jeans, 2 shirts, 2 underoos, 1 pair of shoes and all my spare car keys (3 total) just in case my dad tries to raid my room and repossess my car when he finds out about the school.

Sweet Dreams Bitches,
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

and possibly killed my self. or at least my life. i just told my dad that i am going to culinary school....whether he likes it or not. i dont have the stones to tell him face to face (but you'd understand if you knew him when he's angry) so i sent him an email. maybe this wasnt the best way to go about telling him. now i have to wait until he reads it. i have no idea when he'll check his email so i am shitting more than bricks right now. i am shitting the brick house made by one of the three little pigs. i was on a diet up until about ten minutes ago. i cant go without food right now. i am too stressed out. AAAHHHHH!!!!im freaking out on the inside. i cant freak out out loud cuz im at work and i dont want my freaking out to freak other people out. freaky freakin freakidy freaker. so if you dont hear from me by the end of the day tomorrow, send help. and can you imagine if my dad doesnt check his email today?! how ridiculous would that be?? i would have to talk to him at home and have the thought in my head that i am about to crush him and act like nothing is wrong. this is making me go insane. i dont think i am going to accomplish much at work today. i think maybe i should prepare an info sheet so my dad knows more about where i am going and waht is happening. or maybe i should just prepare my funeral plans. that way everything goes exactly as i want it to. i want shakira songs playing. and it would be nice if she could be there.

:-(
FF

I feel like my stomach is about to jump out of my mouth, flop around on the floor and then die, right in front of my eyes. Tomorrow is the day I am finally going to tell my dad that I am going to culinary school. I am not going to ASK if I can go. I'm going to TELL him that I AM GOING. I don't even want to begin to think about his reaction. Which is why I decided to tell him in the form of a letter. I'm so nervous about it that I really feel like I am going to throw up everything I've eaten in the past year. I don't want to tell him. I just want to leave and finish culinary school so I can be a chef!!!! I feel nervous, anxious, frustrated (I'm running out of emotions....and I don't know many other words for what I'm feeling). As many of you know, my dad doesn't want me to go to culinary school. I won't go into detail because I think its all in a previous blog. But still, I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "I'm going. Even if he says no because I'm not seeking permission, just approval. I'm going.". But then I think "I can't go if he's not ok with it". I need to just get over it and give him the letter. And even then, why don't I have the guts to tell him face to face?! Why do I have to be such a pansy and hide behind some piece of paper?!? There could be 2 possible answers to this: first, I've talked to my dad a few times before about culinary school and and NEVER has it ended well. Second, if he reads it, maybe he'll comprehend it easier? I dunno. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight so I might just pop a few "candies" to help me along. I just want to learn everything about cooking. Then maybe one day I can sit and have an intelligible conversation with Alton Brown about the caramelization of sugar or how to make the perfect hollandaise. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. In any case, if it happens again that I get thiseffingclose to going to culinary school and then ending up with me telling everyone I couldn't go again because of my dad....AGAIN, I'm going to need a therapist. I just know it. I won't be a mentally stable person if my plans fall through again.

I need a xanax,
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile