Since my dad has spoken to me. Since then, it seems that he takes any precautionary measures to avoid me. As do I. I purposely avoid him in order to avoid confrontation and pointless arguments. My mom keeps trying to get me to "release my anger" but I keep trying to tell her that I'm not angry. I'm sad. How would you feel if your father wasn't talking to you?! It not even that he is not talking to me, its that he purposely ignores me. The other day, at my cousins birthday party, I saw him do the most childish thing (as if the ingoring wasn't childish enough). He looked to the line of people getting food (which I was in) saw me, and sat down. He watched and waited until I got back to my table so he could get up and serve himself. Wtf?! He is such a baby. But seriously, whatev. I really don't care anymore. Last week I was freaking out so much that I had to mooch xanax from a friend and now I realize, its not that bad. Now I am guaranteed to be left alone. No more arguments. I don't have to share anything with him......I could walk by with a dozen donuts, savoring one with glaze falling to the ground as I take each bite, and not have to offer him anything. I know that makes him so upset, but he won't say anything because he's too proud. Remember kids, that's one of the seven deadly sins. Mmmm......donuts. I can't believe that I am in all of this crap with my dad and there are people that don't even have dads. People that have lost their fathers. People who's fathers are holding on to their life with everything they've got in them. My mom told me today that the machines that are keeping my uncle in Colorado alive will be turned off on friday. This pains me so much to even think of what my cousins are going through. And if I haven't said this before, its not my actual uncle or my actual cousins but we've kinda grown up together so that's how we feel about each other. And we call him Ali Daee (which means uncle ali in persian). Then again, all us persians are related one way or another. Its like six degrees of kevin bacon but with persians. I can't imagine the world without Ali. He is such a generous person. Always so loving and caring for everyone. Honestly, as I've grown up seeing them on a lot of holidays and spending a lot of time with them, I've seen that not all persian dads are like my dad. I don't understand how he could have come from the same country as my dad. He is so nice!!! All the time. And you know it because his kids truly love him....not just because they have to. You can hear it when they talk about him and you can see it when they are all together. This should not have happened to him. And I'm not saying that anything like this should ever happen to anyone, I'm just saying that he, of all people, deserves to be with his family and friends. He lives a good life because he is a good person. Good people don't deserve to be put in situations like this, no one does. I am now asking you, my trusty reader(s) to pray for him and his family. To give them peace, comfort and strength. If you are catholic, christian, jewish, whatever. Just pray. Or do what you do to help people. Miracles do happen and I truly believe that Ali Daee deserves one.

Pray,
FF
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To my mind. Recently I've been in a sort of slump. I'm actually not even sure that that is the right word for it but I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for the past few weeks. I know the problem is about my dad and my inability to tell him that I am going to culinary school. Or at least that is what the problem is stemming from. I told my mom that I think I need to be on xanax. That may have been a bad idea. She will not leave me alone. She is trying to "fix" me. One minute, she doesn't want to admit that I have some kind of problem and the next minute she's trying to get me to a "religious counselor". Whatevs. All I want is silence. I want to get away from everything. It seems like everything is too crowded, too loud, too much for me right now. I used to be so outgoing and friendly and now I feel like I'm turning into some bitter little freak that hates everything. I don't want to become someone I hate. This is all my dads fault. Right now, I have one parent who is trying to "fix" me and one parent who is ignoring me at all costs. Who wants to be in my shoes?! No one? Well that's what I thought. My mom keeps trying to get me to tell her what I'm thinking. I only told her half of it. Or maybe less than half of it.

I think about my future. I think about my dad. I think about what consequences may come of any of my actions in the future. I think about how I'm scared that my little farsh will turn into my dad. I think about how I'm scared that I might turn into my dad. I think about how I feel like I may never amount to anything in my life. I think a out my uncle in Colorado who has been in and out of a coma for 2 1/2 weeks and how I can't do anything to help. I think that I'll never raise enough money to go to culinary school. I think that once I get the money (if I get it) will I go to culinary school just to spite my father or because I really want to. I think I might get stuck in el paso for the rest of my life. I think people are only nice to me because they think they have to be. I don't think anyone really likes me for any particular personality trait that I have. I think my mom thinks I'm gay because I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years. Or 6 years. I lost count. I think I won't ever get a girlfriend because I'm so extremely picky. And I am so extremely scared of what she may think of me. I think I need a real vacation (I.e. No phone, no tv, no internet. Just me and a book and a bottle of ciroc vodka) I think I really don't want to be in rocky horror but I like to have friends so I'll do it anyway. I think I may die before I ever get close to getting married. I think I don't want to be in school because the only reason I'm there is to make my dad happy but HE'S NEVER HAPPY!! I think in a lot of different languages all at once. I think that makes me crazy. I think I'm a horrible singer but sometimes, I'm not that bad. I think I really wouldn't mind taking over my dads business if I could run it like a modern business and not one that is stuck in 1991. I think I don't ever want to see speak or hear from my father ever again. I think I can't concentrate, sleep, work or just be me because I think I think too much.

What do you think?
FF
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I don't consider myself a chicken though. This is for the mental safety of everyone in my house. Tonight, when I got home, I started to watch the much-anticipated return of Heroes in the season 3 opener. I brought my dogs in with me to join in on the momentous occasion. With only about 20 minutes left of the show, my dad gets out of bed and waddles on down to the den. He sees that my dogs are sleeping on the couch with me. In that moment, its as if the furies and flames of hell erupted in his eyes. He's found it! The opportunity to bite my head off!!!! He went almost ballistic. He started screaming and accusing me of purposely putting the dogs on the couch where he puts his face (??) because apparently I just don't like him or respect him. He said I did it because I didn't like him?! What are we in fifth grade or something?!?! I can't believe he is being such a baby about this little incident. It is due to this random act of satan that I have hacked (or just logged into) my dads email account and deleted the aforementioned email (I Just Pulled The Trigger...). I know; its a total chicken-shit move but I can't even magine the reaction when he reads that letter. So now, I have locked my self in my room (literally....my door handle is broken from the inside and I locked the outside of my bathroom door so I really can't get out). I've taken 2 vicodins and now I'm just waiting to fall asleep. Don't worry, I'll probably come to my senses and re-send it (with a read-receipt this time!) in the morning. But to be on the safe side, I've packed a bag with at least 2 days of clothes. But of course, I packed smart. 1 pair of jeans, 2 shirts, 2 underoos, 1 pair of shoes and all my spare car keys (3 total) just in case my dad tries to raid my room and repossess my car when he finds out about the school.

Sweet Dreams Bitches,
FF
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and possibly killed my self. or at least my life. i just told my dad that i am going to culinary school....whether he likes it or not. i dont have the stones to tell him face to face (but you'd understand if you knew him when he's angry) so i sent him an email. maybe this wasnt the best way to go about telling him. now i have to wait until he reads it. i have no idea when he'll check his email so i am shitting more than bricks right now. i am shitting the brick house made by one of the three little pigs. i was on a diet up until about ten minutes ago. i cant go without food right now. i am too stressed out. AAAHHHHH!!!!im freaking out on the inside. i cant freak out out loud cuz im at work and i dont want my freaking out to freak other people out. freaky freakin freakidy freaker. so if you dont hear from me by the end of the day tomorrow, send help. and can you imagine if my dad doesnt check his email today?! how ridiculous would that be?? i would have to talk to him at home and have the thought in my head that i am about to crush him and act like nothing is wrong. this is making me go insane. i dont think i am going to accomplish much at work today. i think maybe i should prepare an info sheet so my dad knows more about where i am going and waht is happening. or maybe i should just prepare my funeral plans. that way everything goes exactly as i want it to. i want shakira songs playing. and it would be nice if she could be there.

:-(
FF

I feel like my stomach is about to jump out of my mouth, flop around on the floor and then die, right in front of my eyes. Tomorrow is the day I am finally going to tell my dad that I am going to culinary school. I am not going to ASK if I can go. I'm going to TELL him that I AM GOING. I don't even want to begin to think about his reaction. Which is why I decided to tell him in the form of a letter. I'm so nervous about it that I really feel like I am going to throw up everything I've eaten in the past year. I don't want to tell him. I just want to leave and finish culinary school so I can be a chef!!!! I feel nervous, anxious, frustrated (I'm running out of emotions....and I don't know many other words for what I'm feeling). As many of you know, my dad doesn't want me to go to culinary school. I won't go into detail because I think its all in a previous blog. But still, I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "I'm going. Even if he says no because I'm not seeking permission, just approval. I'm going.". But then I think "I can't go if he's not ok with it". I need to just get over it and give him the letter. And even then, why don't I have the guts to tell him face to face?! Why do I have to be such a pansy and hide behind some piece of paper?!? There could be 2 possible answers to this: first, I've talked to my dad a few times before about culinary school and and NEVER has it ended well. Second, if he reads it, maybe he'll comprehend it easier? I dunno. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight so I might just pop a few "candies" to help me along. I just want to learn everything about cooking. Then maybe one day I can sit and have an intelligible conversation with Alton Brown about the caramelization of sugar or how to make the perfect hollandaise. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. In any case, if it happens again that I get thiseffingclose to going to culinary school and then ending up with me telling everyone I couldn't go again because of my dad....AGAIN, I'm going to need a therapist. I just know it. I won't be a mentally stable person if my plans fall through again.

I need a xanax,
FF
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While driving to lunch with Eliza today, we coined a new term, "vicious with a smile". Eliza mentioned that she thought it was a good name for a band or something and I said it would make a good title for a blog. So here it is, "Vicious......With a Smile".

Sometimes, life is good. Sometimes, life is bad. One thing is for sure, life is always vicious......with a smile. Think about it: life sucks. How many times do you ever think to yourself "wow, I'm really happy. There is nothing wrong with my life" ? Never, you say?! That's what I thought! That's how life is so vicious. When is there not something bad going on that is always on your mind? Wars, idiotic presidential candidates (and their running mates who use their downs syndrome baby as a selling point), cancer, etc. Yet, there is always that promise that something greater lies ahead. Wars come to an end, the better choice (usually) wins the election, people beat cancer, etc. Do you ever hear anyone say that your life is never going to get any better? No! They always say "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" or "look at the silver-lining".

For example, my life (recently) has been very uneventful. I've had the same hum-drum routine for a while and I can honestly say that something is wrong with me. I don't know if I'm depressed, bored, anxious, etc., but something needs to change soon. A couple of weeks ago, I took a little vacay with my mom and brother (Scottsdale, if you recall from recent blogs) and we visited the Scottsdale Culinary Institute. I'm very happy to announce that I applied, was accepted and within a few hours of my visit, I was already set up with my brand spankin new student email address, a campus advisor who is helping with all the finer details of securing my transfer to Arizona and a renewed hope for a better life. Please don't misunderstand me, I have a good life. I can't complain about anything I have right now but you must understand when I say that a person can go crazy when living under the same circumstances and environments for years at a time. I'm young. I don't want to go to my high school reunion having not accomplished anything in my life because I got too comfortable in mommy and daddy's comfort zone. I'm not gonna be that "junior" that my dad wants me to be. I'm not a carbon copy!!!!

The only problem with the school is that I haven't told my dad yet. I know, I know! I need to tell him asap. My mom has given me a "deadline" of September 30 to inform my dad. The thing that is different about this time is that I am saving up my money so he sees that I am much more responsible now compared to what I was before. I am not expecting him to give me his blessing in going to school. The only thing I am expecting is that he explodes and throws the biggest bitch fit that we have ever seen. To him, he'll see it as a betrayal. I don't know how to explain it but if you talked to him about it, you'd understand. On the other hand (here comes the "...with a smile" part), I'm FINALLY going to culinary school!! Snaps for me! Now please, don't talk to me about it. I know it seems dumb and you'd think I'd love to talk about it 24/7 but I feel like if I talked about it all the time, it won't happen. I just wanted to tell you all this so you don't call CNN when I go missing in the end of December (that's when I'm moving.....hopefully)

Keep in mind that if for any reason whatsoever, I do not go to this school in January, I will go insane!! I don't think I'll be able to hamdle so much disappointment if Idont go to another school because of my dad (recap: culinary school '03, san diego '04, art institute for advertising '04, gave up in '05 and '06, film school '07, AMDA '07), all of those schools were denied to me simply because my dad won't support me (emotionally or financially). I'm glad to announce that I have worked on emotionally detached myself and am no longer seeking the approval of my father so I hope everything goes better this time around.

So just remember, life is always vicious but it never does it without a smile to comfort you. I'm SO looking forward to my smile.

There is plenty more that I have to share with you (including: theatre, cancer, work, school, general life) but will be coming in future blogs. Haha! How's that for a cliffhanger!?!

Say a Little Prayer For Me,
FF

P.S.: (no I don't have cancer, its just a topic I'd like to discuss)
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Happy Labor Day! While everyone else is relaxing at home, most likely having cookouts or swimming with friends, I will be in my room. Cleaning. All day. That is, of course, until 7o'clock when the season premiere of Gossip Girl comes on. But in the meantime, my room will begin to look more and more organized and I will most probably be rearranging it (as I do everytime I clean my room out). Let's all cross our fingers that this time it stays clean at least until Christmas! Its a short post but I just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm still alive............because I'm sure you were dying to know!

FF
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Where do I start with this one?? I guess I'll backtrack a couple of days so I can give you a bit more insight as to what is happening. A few days ago, my father and I cooked. In the kitchen. With real food. I.E. My dad and I did something normal together! It was weird. It wasn't a situation like when my dad and I normally are in the kitchen together ["farzad, (insert command here)!!!!x10] but it was more like "let me show you how to make this dish". VERY out of the ordinary. I actually really learned how to make persian rice and these little meatballs and it was cool. That's the end of that. Let's get the optimistic look out of our eyes and cut to today, I came home early [I didn't go to work since I had an orthodontist appt and school all day] and I made dinner. I made penne pasta with a tomato-cream cheese sauce that had fresh tomatoes, onion, garlic, oregano, basil, redpeppers, etc. And also shrimp. It came out really good (I think). As soon as my dad heard that I made dinner, I feel like he immediately started to have a sour attitude about it. I wasn't too keen on it at first but when he saw the plate and asked "what's this?" with that "you-expect-me-to-eat-that" tone and a "make-me-something-better" look, I knew I was about to turn in to effing Mt. Vesuvius up in this motha'! . Before even tasting it, he piled on more pasta. You would think that that would be a good thing, right?! WRONG!!! He took one bite.......and then another..........and one more before I asked him what he thought. Want to know what he said?? First there was a grunt and then this......."Its eatable, I guess". WHAT THE ****?!?! Did he reeeealllly just say that to me. I don't know about you but that was like a MAY-JAH insult. I would have so preferred that he told me what the dish needed or how I could have improved on it but no. "Its eatable" was all I got. Actually, I lie. That wasn't his only response to it. About 20 minutes later [after he ate the entire serving] he came to my room and asked me to make him a sandwich. I told him "why do you want a sandwich? You just ate all that pasta" he said "I didn't like that pasta. Go make me a sandwich" [Take a few minutes and then close your mouth........I was in as much shock as you are]. Seriously??! Seriously. SERIOUSLY?!? Oh no you di-dnt!! Yo nigga Far-Shniqua's 'bout to roll up in here and drop a house on yo ungrateful, wicked behind! Who da heeelllll does he think he is? Dissin me and then expecting me to make him a sandwich? Nigga please! Needless to say,I told him no. For two reasons: 1) ummmm, you just told me you hated the dinner I already prepared for you and 2) you just ate a HUGE portion of pasta that was just "eatable" and you STILL want a sandwich? Back it up, Chunk. Ya don't neeeeeed no mo' food. So there's is the story concerning the progress in getting my dad to let me go to culinary school. How do you think its coming along?

Sweet Dreams Bitches,
FF
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And its absolutely not something that I do purposefully. It is completely unintentional and only due to my airhead-ness. I ALWAYS forget to give people pictures. Why!? I always say "yeah, I'm gonna put them on my computer and I'll email then to you" but I never do. Its truly just because I forget. It always slips my mind. I can't even begin to guess how long its been that naomi has been asking me for some pictures that I have. Honestly, I don't even remember which pictures she wants. My dad has been asking me to see the pictures from our recent trip to Scottsdale but I keep forgetting to show them to him. So if you're out there thinkin "what happened to those pictures Farzad was supposed to give me?", remember, you are friends with an idiot. Its ok. You brought it on yourself. You didn't have to be nice to me but you were. So thanks for sticking by me even though I'm no genius. The hamsters on that little bitty wheel in my head need to get to steppin cuz I'm processing really slow. Run hamsters, run!!!!!

Huh?,
FF
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So my mom, the farsh and I decided to take a little mini-vacay to scottsdale last week. It was truly a spur of the moment kind of thing. On tuesday we thought about it, on wednesday we booked the hotel and on thursday we rolled out!! It was a lot of fun and my mom and I had a "hidden agenda" when we left. We went to see the school I want to go to......the Scottsdale Culinary Institute! Now, nothing is official but I have applied and I just really need to convince my dad about letting me go. If he doesn't, I fully intend to procure my own funding and finally study what I want to!! I want to keep this all kind of "hush-hush" because I don't want the same thing to happen this time as has happened in the past. Every time I've been close to going to a school I want to go to (i.e. I can literally smell the future) it doesn't happen for me due to some unforeseen circumstance. Usually my dad. I feel like maybe people think I'm just "all talk, no action". But really I'm all action! I'm always ready to go but for some reason I respect my dad so much that I feel like I can't go anywhere or make any life decisions without his blessing. I know you may think "if he wants to keep it hush hush, why is he writing about it on his blog........which happens to be on the internet.......which lots of people can easily find by searching through blogs?" The answer is this......because I effing feel like it. Its my blog and imma write what I want to! Plus, I don't really think that many people read my blog. And hopefully, whoever does will be considerate enough to keep quiet.

Ssshhhhhhh,
FF
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I'm in Scottsdale and I have been here since Thursday. I am blogging from my computer because I'm bored. I am going to take a shower now because we were in Sedona all day and I feel gross. It was hot and I was all gross and sweaty. I just thought you'd like to know whats going on with me. :)

chop, 

FF

I will not, I repeat NOT, be blogging for the next few days. I do not
have my blackberry and I am using an iPhone. I HATE the typing on this
thing! I should be getting my baby back by Tuesday night. I sent my
AfricanAmericanBerry to get custom painted. It's coming back to me in
a lovely shade of white. I'll post pictures of it when it returns.
Have a lovely day!

FF

Sent from my iPhone

You know, I keep wanting to continue reading "Son of a Witch" by Gregory Maguire, author of "Wicked", but I keep getting distracted by the urge to blog. This one feels quite strange to write but I feel very unstable right now. I feel like I am at a gigantic fork in the road. I know of about 4 general areas of interest that I would love to either study or immediately begin working in but I don't know which one to choose and I can't do all of them. I mean, I'm sure I could do all of them but it would be an insane amount of responsibility to take on. Maybe I need to take a week or two, completely alone, and think about what I want to do with my life. Let me tell you of my 4 general areas of interest. Please be advised that it is quite possible for more to randomly appear on the list.

1. Culinary- this includes everything from cooking, baking, opening restaurants, going to culinary school, etc.
2. Entertainment- I love to perform. I'd love to get paid for it. That's just me. The entertainer.
3. Journalism- its always something I've been interested in and with the help of this blog, I've realized that it may be possible for me to have a bit of a future in some kind of journalism. After all, my first major was advertising and communications.
4. Clothing- I know this is one that I don't talk about very much but come on, like you couldn't tell I was in to fashion. I have always had a secret dream to be the Style Guy at GQ. Or the editor. ;-)
5. Taking over my dads business...............HA!!!!! Fooled ya! HeeHeeHeeHee!!!!

So there you have it. I am taking suggestions, advice, comments, etc. Since I have nothing else to do, I suppose I could go into further detail about each of the main points.

1. Culinary arts is something that has always captivated me. I not only have an urge to always eat, but I also want to know where my food comes from, how its made and what are the possibilities for change in the kitchen. I remember the first time I really baked anything. Picture it, Juarez, 1990. I was five years old. My Aunt Jazmin invited me to accompany her to a friends house to bake a cake. I was staying with my aunt and my Grandma for the weekend in Juarez and was excited to see what we were baking. We arrived at the house of Anita, my aunts friend. It was a small cozy house, very dark but not grim. The kitchen couldn't have been bigger than a hotel restroom but already I couldn't wait to whip something up. We were going to bake a chocolate cake. Boxed cake mix, nothing fancy. They asked if I would like to crack the eggs. I was scared yet more than willing to do it. I had never cracked an egg before. I wasn't really even sure what the inside of an egg looked like. I was only 5 years old, they were kind enough to even let me hang out with them in the kitchen let alone participate. I don't really remember that much but when the egg cracked open, I was captivated by what I saw. Brilliant yellow, clear gooey stuff. It was so cool!! We continued through the remaining steps of baking a cake from a box but I was still so mesmerized by the cracking of the egg that I couldn't concentrate on what else was going on. I'm almost positive that it was from that moment that I knew I wanted to cook. I may have only been five years old, but it is one of my clearest, most fond memories from my childhood.

2. I'm a leo and although I don't really follow horoscopes and zodiac mumbo jumbo, I've always been told that leo's always like to be the center of attention. I'm not gonna lie. I like attention. I really like performing too. I did my first commercial at the age of 11 with just a few more after that one, all the way up until I was 19 when I did a radio commercial. I participated in the childrens theatre group "kids-n-co" and even assisted in the drama classes at summer camp. Recently, I performed with local community theatre "Center Stage El Paso". And after that, one show with EPCC. I had an absolute fantastic time at both places. Every night on stage was a new show. Nothing was done exactly the same twice. There is a certain rush and high you get from knowing that people are watching your every move. Some even admiring your work. Its very fulfilling. Its also very tiring but absolutely worth it. I always think that I'd love to perform again but I don't know whether I should do that or something else.

3. Journalism. Writing has always been a little flame burning in me. Its still flickering but since starting this blog I've realized how much I really enjoy it. People read my blog and tell me they like it and that I should be a writer and I think "its just me letting out what's in my head, what's so special about that??" But then I realize, I like writing. Its fun to make up stories and poke fun at yourself through mindless rants on persexican.blogspot.com. :-) but is my blog as far as I should take it? Is my blog as far as I COULD take it? I don't know. I always fumble through old notebooks and journals that have randomly placed bits of poetry about what I was feeling on any given day and I think "I wrote that?! Where did that come from?" Maybe I have multiple personalities and one of them was related to Hemingway. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe.

4. The black sheep. This is one that I think my dad would truly kill me if I pursued it. Fashion. I've always had an interest in it. I have, in my head, planned out my denim line (FortuneJeans........don't steal my idea), because we all know how much I love a good pair of jeans. I would LOVE to have my own clothing line and make clothes that fit real people. I feel like I know what the market needs and I think that, if given the chance, I could provide it. Also, as I mentioned before, being the head honcho at GQ would make me cry everyday. Tears of joy. Many, many tears of joy.

Assist me, tell me what to do.
FF

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Its supposed to be a sandcastle, in case you couldn't tell. I thought it came out really good. What do you think?
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I just dropped my blackberry and I feel like smacking my head against a wall because it didn't have a rubber on (i.e.unprotected). There are now 3 (THREE) areas of damage along with one marking on the back that mysteriously appeared sometime yesterday. Functionally, its ok. But my berry is tainted. Its no longer perfect. :-( oh well....my birthday party was yesterday and I'm sure you all want to hear how it was........................it was ok. I was happy that a majority of the people who rsvp'd showed up. The rest of them however (about 25 people) rsvp'd and failed to show up. I am not gonna lie, I'm pretty pissed off about it. I ordered food for 80 people and at the last minute (due to the number of people who rsvp'd) I ordered even more dinner servings. I spent a total of $850 on food for people who didn't even bother to let me know they were lying when they said they were coming. Only one person had the courtesy and respect to inform me of their absence (T, thanks). Just for the record, I wouldn't have been upset if you had told me you weren't coming. I would have said "thanks for letting me know" and then immediately called the caterer to cancel the extra portions. The unnecessary expenditures of this party were in the 400 dollar range. I'll be accepting checks from those of you who rsvp'd and didn't show.

On the bright side, this was a birthday that my dad did NOT ruin. On my 18th birthday, my dad took away my credit cards and grounded me. I snuck out anyway. On 19 and 20, he didn't completely ruin them but he was a buzzkill because of his pointless random arguments and complaints. On my 21st birthday, which started out as the best birthday EVER! because Shakira opened the U.S. leg of her tour here in El Paso ON my birthday, my dad took my car away right before the concert. He couldn't wait until the next day, or maybe the week after, no, he took it ONE hour before the concert FOR NO VALID REASON!!! My 22nd birthday was not included in this because I was in San Diego and he was not present to ruin anything. Haha! So this year, he actually helped me have a better party. He was completely willing to give me his credit card to purchase items for the party. The whole time he was there, he was being helpful and playful instead of analytical and criticizing everything. So thanks Dad for not ruining this one.

Amen,
FF
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Last night got a little too heavy for me. I was busy most of the night preparing things for my party for today but I decided that I wanted to be out by midnight with my birthday drink in hand. Well, I was out at 1130 with many, many birthday drinks in hand. I have learned a lesson and here it is.........just because its your birthday does NOT mean you are invisible to intoxication. I took "birthday shot" after "birthday shot" after"birthday shot" etc. I think I had about 8 or 9 birthday shots in a timespan of about 1 1/2 hrs. That was insane for me to do and although I had fun with everyone that was there (naomi, steve, karla, beverly leslie and jenn) tonight, at my party, I will defenitely be turning things down a notch. Sorry to anyone that expected to see me mindblowingly drunk but I can't do that 2 nights in a row. I hate throwing up and I did all over the Farsh's car last night. So gross. Now, I am going to shower and begin final preparations for my party tonight. Be there or be an A-hole.

Itsmybrthday!!!!
FF
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And now they arepkayiing suavementew asd the last song, c an you tell I a little durnkIizzzle??? I feel like I may fall over at any moment. I hope I don't throw up!!! But its my birthday soi don't care!!!!!!!
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I just thought I should let you know, I WAS going to do a full blog but I'm too tired right now. Its almost 2 am and I have to be up at 7am. But I will leave you with this, on my way home tonight I was thinking about what I REALLY want to do for my birthday and it actually doesn't include this big party I'm throwing. I would really like to just be alone. Go to the movies, eat some popcorn with extra butttttah! I don't know why. I'd rather not just not do anything exciting. But oh well, I already paid the caterers.

Oh Bother,
FF
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Pobresita mi Belita!!! My little baby Bela got sick today. I don't know what's wrong with her and I feel like an actual parent. I can't sleep cuz I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with her. I keep wondering if she's ok and then I get out of bed to check on her and she's sleeping safe and sound. At least I hope she's sleeping! Wait.........her chest is moving, its all good, she's alive! I told my mom about it and she said that's how she was when we were kids and we got sick. Aaaawwww.......que cuted! Then my mom saw what I was watching on TLC. It was a show about these siamese twins and my mom literally screamed! She seemed to be scared of what she saw. I couldn't believe she freaked out so much!!! The look on her face was priceless. She was astounded and shocked that there could be one body with 2 heads. Yeah its pretty freaky but she's 45!!!! You'd think she's seen this kind of thing before. On a lighter note, I got my first birthday gift today. :-) it was a cologne (burberry brit) AND cash. From the same person. Now THAT'S how you give a gift! Haha! And it was a lot of cash too! $120. That's a lot considering they already gave me a cologne. But hey, if they wanna give it, who am I to stop them?!? I did think $120 was a weird amount though. Its like they meant to give me $100 but miscounted the bills. Not that I'm complaining! Its just a weird number. Now back to a bit more of a morose note, my mom thinks I'm depressed. Sara also suggested that I might be depressed. The more people tell me it, the more I'll feel it!! Maybe I'm just moody! BACK UP OUT MY KOOL-AID!!!! Heehee. I have very much been in a "I-just-don't-wanna-get-out-of-bed" mood lately. Also a "I-don't-wanna-go-out-and-see-anyone" mood. But I don't think that means I'm depressed. I don't have anything to be depressed about! My birthday is in 4 days!! I'm gonna be 23. There's gonna be a fantastic party!! Dalit is coming for the party!!!! And Karla is here!! The only ones missing are Joey and Cecilia!! :-( But I have a lot to look forward to. Although, I did notice some wrinkles on my forehead. Maybe that's it. Its the wrinkles. Those depressing wrinkles.....

Is it too early for Botox??
FF
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More than one person have asked that I post a "wishlist" because we all know that I am hard to shop for. This is going to be a small wish list and I am not posting it on the birthday blog because I don't want people to think I'm expecting or demanding gifts. (But then again, who doesn't like getting gifts?!). So here it is. If what you were thinking of getting me is on there, congrats, you know me well. If its not but you already bought it, I'll accept anything with a gift receipt.

- cash (as you know, I'm trying to save money for school.)
- cologne (marc jacobs, jean paul gaultier, prada)
- ANYTHING for the wii. (i.e. Rock band, wii fit, singing games, the white microphone which is currently available at best buy, etc)
- gift cards (express, dillards, aldo, TARGET!!!, ulta, simon visas, etc)
- cookbooks. I really like the top chef one, which is currently available at barnes and noble, but really any cookbook will do.
- anything you think I'd like. I'd like to think that its the thought that counts...........HA! I can't even say that with a straight face!! Jk! Jk!

In conclusion, you really don't have to get me anything. If you just come to my party and have a good time, I really will be just as happy as if you walked in with 10 bottles of Marc Jacobs cologne. ;-)

5 Days!!!!!
FF
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Like the corner of my mind. Misty water colored mem'ries, of the way we weeeeerrreeee. Ok so I'm gonna tell you all what happened this week. It all seems very strange to me but I don't know why. If you've known me for a while, you'll remember that I used perform with a local theatre group. It was honestly a fantastic time in my life. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be because it was truly like a family. We were all very close and always there for each other. One day, everything got turned upside down and I will not go into details but I got kicked out. I always assumed that I was really not allowed back in. It would have been awkward for me to return to something that I had been run out of. This week I received a couple of comments on myspace that seemed strange to me. From the time I got kicked out, about a year ago, I have very sparsely kept in contact with the owners. Just occasional messages now and then but nothing on a regular basis. I suppose that's why it seemed so strange that earlier this week, I received the first comment, something along the lines of "we'd like you to come see the show. We've got tickets for you at the front. Everyone wants to see you". It seemed to me like a friendly gesture. Maybe a sort of "white flag". I replied with "thanks! I'll be there friday". Shortly thereafter, they replied "...we've got a gift for you!" What? A gift? A gift?! (I'm not gonna lie, I love gifts. But this seemed weird to me.) I didn't reply and I just figured I would put on a happy face when I went to see their show on friday. So, friday rolls along and Karla, being the wonderful, loyal friend that she is, came with me to see the show. When I walked in, I was so nervous! I don't know why but I really felt a little sick to my stomach. Then I saw familiar faces and I didn't just put on a happy face, the happy face appeared on its own. I was genuinely happy to be there. Everyone had smiles on their faces and it was a great feeling to get to see so many old friends. The show was really funny. Great creativity and super funny lyrics. Seeing all those happy people on stage made me remember all the great times I had up there. People that I've known for a while have really matured as performers and improved exponentially. The newbies (at least to me) were pretty good too. A LOT of younger kids. I felt old knowing that I used to perform with some of them. Now I have a dilemma. I now remember how much I loved performing. Even though I got to perform with EPCC (which was fun too but not the same), I really miss performing with such a close knit group. My problem is that I don't know that I could go back. I've got a lot going on with work. I keep trying to get more hours ( but I can never seem to get there before 10 am) but I am full time anyway. I need to really save money for the school that I want to go to. I just.......I would love to perform again. I don't know. I'm lost. I need a vacation. I need to clear my head. I need to get away to a place where I don't know anyone and just think. Think. Think. Think. I'll need a lot of painkiller to get rid of the massive headaches with all that thinking but nevertheless, I need to think.

Think,
FF
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I'm trying out this new thing on my blackberry called "spotjots". this is my first post with this program. it automatically posts messages to whatever one of my social network websites. like this one, facebook, twitter, etc. I'm blogging from work by the way.

Posted on SpotJots near: work

I've been sitting at home watching old home movies for about an hour and a half. In this time, I've relived some moments that have almost brought me to tears. I don't know if they are tears because I am still very much a child on the inside, or tears because I feel so effing old. I've, in a way, seen my life flash before my eyes. My first kiss (which just so happened to be on my first birthday, haha!), a tour of my childhood home, my birth (not the actual delivery but the day of, I didn't even have a name yet), numerous birthday parties and embarrassing old footage. AND my first commercials! They are ridiculous! The most ridiculous thing of all though is that my dad was not the one taking the video. True, he was in parts of various videos, but he was never behind the camera and at times, he wasn't even there! The funny thing is that my Uncle Hellman was the one that recorded almost all of the videos. You hear him encouraging us, laughing with us, making jokes, etc. Aren't those the kinds of things that dads should do (for their own children?) So even though I'm almost positive that my Uncle Hellman will never read my blog, I'd like to just put this out there, thank you. Thank you for being there with us, apparently since the beginning.

As I continue watching these videos, my eyes keep welling up with tears. As its happening, I think to myself "why are you crying?!" And the only answer is, "I don't know". Why in the world would I cry about old home movies in which everything was fun and happy?! This just makes me feel more and more like I may be depressed and I don't know why. Also, people at work are now telling me almost daily that I look so tired. I'm not that tired!!!!! If my face shows it, I really don't mean it to. Although now its 1:32 on a Tuesday night and I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. I can't think anymore.

God is Love,
Rev Fraz
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I fear my boots have been ruined. I must wait 'til morn to uncover the truth behind my suspicions but the circumstances seem dreary. The day has been long and the rains seem to be everlasting. Endless rivers and lakes suddenly appear where laughing children and running animals once were. Is this the time of Noah? Nay. It is the monsoon season. Only once a year do the eternal showers visit our village. This may be the worst yet. Businesses closed due to bad weather. Vehicles abandoned on roadsides. Families run out of their houses just to escape the climbing waters. What shall we do? What shall we do? As of yet, our only option seems to be endurance. It is true what they say, only the strong survive. Whether it be rains (from Spain) that overtake our plains or gale-force winds that destroy our well-coiffed hair, I am staying strong. I laugh in the face of extreme weather. HA HA! I AM STRONG ENOUGH! I CAN DO IT! SILLY WEATHER, FLOODS ARE FOR KIDS! Now, about my boots. I really think they got ruined! I was walking out of the persian-party-of-the-hour when I stepped off the sidewalk and into a HUGE puddle of water (duh, of course it was water). I felt it slowly making its way inside my boots. My socks very quickly started to become sponges of that damned rain water. Ugh! Why can't we have proper drainage systems here in this darn city. Whatever, now I have a proper excuse to go shoe shopping. Woot!!!!

Cheese-and-Rice,
FF
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MUCH better (I think) than the 88th cake. Only decoration-wise. Same flavor and all that.
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I should know better, I know but I had a lot of fun tonight!! I went to the eastside (cuz it was my turn) and Sara, Isela and I went to Whiskey Dicks. Its a country bar and the first song the played (which reminded me of Joey) was "Young" by Kenny Chesney. The three of us got our drinks, Isela and I double fisting of course, haha!, and we proceeded to find a place by the dance floor. We ran into Albert (the one that used to work with us) and Tom (also, the one who used to work with us) and Rick and Sal (who still work with us). It was a lot of fun maybe one too many shots were taken but I got home ok and thats all that matters. As we were sitting at a bar near the dance floor, I chose my "favorite couple", I nicknamed them the Rapunzels. They both had extremely long hair. The guy had his in a braided pony tail and the girl left hers flowing loosely. They were very strange to watch dancing together cuz they didn't seem to match very well. And later I saw them hitting all up on this chick and I was sure they were all gonna leave together and get into situations they were definitely not going to be proud of in the morning. Whatevs! Now I'm home and I am ready to sleep. I thought I was gonna shoot myself because of all that damned country music but after a few more shots and drinks, I completely forgot where I was. After the bar, we went to McDonalds and I got Double Cheeseburger(s). It (they) were good. I got home and my brothers friend Noelle is back in town, she was out in front of my house talking to me for a while. That's all. I'm going to sleep now.

Peace Out B's!!
FF
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I'm writing the blog about the concert but since I figured out that I can post pictures directly from my phone, I'm posting this now. Its the rubber skin for my Blackberry because I had nothing else for her to sign. I can no longer use it because it will smudge the autograph and will probably eventually rub off. For those of you who don't know, she sings that really good acoustic version of Rihanna's "Umbrella". Get her album, its really good and she's awesome live. But hey, I met her and you didn't. So HA!!
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This is the corrected version on the cake, the letters that had to be changed are no longer on smooth frosting. :-(
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So a few days ago, Karla asked me to make a cake for a party her office was having to celebrate the anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act. She asked me to put the logo (a person in a wheelchair, similar to the handicap sign, breaking free from chains) on it. She also asked me to write something on it. I assumed she said "Happy Birthday 88th" and I went to the website and thought I saw that it was the 25th anniversary. So I wrote the following on the cake: "Happy Birthday 88th!! 25 Years and Counting!" I was so excited because not only did the cake look nice but it was 1 am and I was excited to get into my bed. I sent an MMS of a picture of the finished cake to Karla and she calls within 2 minutes. "Does that say "Happy Birthday 88th!! 25 Years and Counting!"?" And I said "yes". She started to laugh (but attempted to hold it in so as not to make me feel like a dumbass ) and told me "its supposed to say "Happy Birthday ADA!! 18 Years and Counting!". I felt like a complete fool. How could I be such an idiot! Then again, Karla maybe should have written it down for me (*cough* hint hint) Luckily it was easy to fix but I felt so stupid! I even tried to explain to my brother when he said "shouldn't it say "Happy 88th Birthday"?, I said "no, its the 25th anniversary of the 88th amendment, its the Americans with Disabilities Act". I said that with such pride, thinking "I sound smart!" Its ok, you can laugh. I just did. Honestly, I don't even know how many amendments there are. I was making it up but when I said it, I totally thought I was right. Since I had never seen the actual writing request in actual writing (I had only heard it spoken) I COMPLETELY misintrepeted it. But come on, "88th" and "A.D.A" could totally sound the same over the phone. Right?!

Gooooobyyyyee,
FF


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The following is a conversation that took place in the early morning hours on Sunday, July 20th. It describes and details events that took place on Friday July 18 and Saturday July 20. This conversation was copied and pasted directly from Yahoo! Messenger to this blog for your reading pleasure. Please disregard the spelling errors as I was obviously slightly intoxicated. Enjoy!

Participants:
-------------
farfarr09, cisilberry

Messages:
---------
farfarr09: My friends sara and shahrzad (sisters, semi-persian) are in town for shahrzads wedding party. She got married in october in virginia and her dad threw her a party here for all the people who couldn't go out there.
farfarr09: .........
farfarr09: The three of us used to be reealy good, really silly friends. I think it was with them that I began my interpretive dancing and general outgoing attitude so when they come into town, we go crazazay. $
farfarr09: Well tonight at the "wedding" we were drinking, all of our parents were there and they made us dance. You KNOW how I get when I dance. Picture that, times 10. I went NUTS! I pretty much performed for about 100 of my parents closest friends.
cisilberry: lmao...oh my god....ur such a nut!!!
farfarr09: I did bohemian rhapsody, don't stop believin, the carlton dance, etc, etc.
cisilberry: i pictured it all
cisilberry: lmao
farfarr09: Well whatever you pictured, add this.....
farfarr09: People gathered around, they pulled up chairs to watch me. I don't know if I was too drunk and was acting stupid or if I was doing something amazing. I am pretty sure it was amazing because my mom came up to me after with a huge smile on her face and gave me a big hug.
farfarr09: Oh I don't know if I mentioned...........it was a solo performance. SOLO! That's how buzzed I got.
cisilberry: ha! i love it! so she was proud of you acting like a fool?
farfarr09: I guess it was so much a fooooool as it was pure awesomeness.
farfarr09: :-)
cisilberry: i hate to break it to you, but that wasn
cisilberry: wasn't no buzz
farfarr09: Plus I haven't eaten since wednesday cuz of these dumb rubber band I got on my braces
farfarr09: So it went right through me.
cisilberry: =))
farfarr09: I think it was a really good buzz. I was drunk. Aryan and I took like 3 shots of tequila. Cuz when I started dancing, it was cuz all the persian ladies pulled us out there but then I did the carlton and it was solid gold soul train from then on.
cisilberry: OMG! i'm so sad i missed it! any evidence?
farfarr09: Oh no, I mean I wasn't drunk. Lol! I just read that!
farfarr09: Of course there's evidence!!!! I was singing into peoples cameras!
farfarr09: Lol!
cisilberry: ha you busted yourselft
farfarr09: Haha! But you should have seen shahrzad and I yesterday at erins. We sang "the greatest love of all" and "baby got back". People cheered and clapped for us DURING the performance. No one ever gets that kind of reaction. But I guess that's what happens when yous a badass!
farfarr09: Lol!
cisilberry: what????? yeah right that's what happens when everyone's drunk and their senses are impaired
farfarr09: Whatevs, don't be hatin!
farfarr09: So how is everything going over there and what made you think of that song?
cisilberry: oh, it's going good, my friend has that song, but it
cisilberry: it's in english and he wants to hear it in spanish
cisilberry: like it's that much different lol
farfarr09: They have it in espanol? Thas crasy!
cisilberry: you nut! you've heard it
cisilberry: it says sigame and arriba y abajo
farfarr09: I have? Prove it! (I sound like naomi)
farfarr09: Have you read the blog recently?
cisilberry: lol yeah, you do
cisilberry: no haven't the internet just came back up from like a week
cisilberry: it sucks :(
farfarr09: As long as I can communicate with you every once in a while, I'm happy. So even if I'm not on, send me a "hello, is it me your lookin for?!" every once in a while.
cisilberry: ok i will :D
cisilberry: well gotta go i'm meeting a buddy. for lunh. holla!
farfarr09: K bye!
cisilberry: bye
cisilberry has signed out.

FF

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Damnit!!!!! Damnit damnit damnit! I'm addicted! I can't stop eating. I really can't stop eating. I just went out for no more than 2 hours with Karla and Leslie and I couldn't effing stop myself from going to Taco Bell. I wasn't even hungry really I need therapy. Today, when I got home from work, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I had to try SO HARD to not eat a whole pack of oreos with peanut butter. Maybe I had just a couple of the.m [:-)] Then I had a plate of persian food with MUCH more rice than I really should have eaten. I need to stop eating so much! I love food but I feel like I may be getting to the point where I'm actually obsessed with food. When I see it, I have to eat it. If I don't, I get extremely quiet, grumpy, moody, etc. I turn into a little kid who didn't get the toy he wanted. I don't know what it is. Maybe since I have stopped shopping so much I need something to fill the void?! I don't know! What I do know is that its driving me crazy and I need to cut back. I know I can do it. I need help with it but I know I can. The day before yesterday, I ALMOST went to krispy kreme and I'm sure that if I would have gone, at least 8 donuts would have disappeared. I used this new thing called "will-power" and stopped myself from going there only to get a 3 Musketeers bar and totally hoover it down. Just the other day, I ate almost 3/4 of a bag of Veggie Stix (equivalent to a family size bag of Lay's) in about 45 minutes! Not only did I eat all that but I ate it while I was standing in front of the tv. Hey, stabding burns calories, right? If I don't stop myself, I don't know what might happen to me. I need to eat healthier. If I am going to eat so much, it might as well be something good, right?! Also, I ate an ENTIRE pack of Oreo's in one sitting, only because I was mindlessly eating. I didn't even realize how many I had eaten until I reached into the bowl and they were all gone! If anyone out there has suggestions for me to not be such an effing cow, please advise me. If you remember, a few posts back I spoke about a bet that we had going on in our office pertaining to weight loss. Well, let's just say I'll most likely have to kiss my $50 goodbye.

With a tear in my eye and a mexican pizza on my mind,
FF
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Call me Uncle Jesse. I love my hair. I love it even more when it is cut and styled properly. Right now, I HATE MY HAIR!!!! I like to find a good stylist and stick with that person. The guy that is cutting my hair now does a great job at cutting it (when I want to grow it out). But now that I wanted to shorten it (significantly) he left it too long! I hate it right now!! Its the exact same style I've had for the past year and a half just shorter. I wanted it to be something kinda messy but neat. Everyone knows I'm very much "clean-cut" with my style. I need hair that matches that. I have the feeling that I might go to someone else tomorrow and have them fix it. I seriously don't like it. At all! It looks like I had no idea what I was doing my hair this morning. Like "hi my name is farzad and I've worn a hat my whole life. Today is the first day I've gone sans hat and I had NO IDEA what I was doing with my hair this morning!" I don't know if you are catching my vibe right now but I really don't like my hair.

Snip,
FF
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About a lot of things. I am going to publish this blog in the style of a MySpace bulletin in which people say what they have always wanted to say to 15 different people but the names of these people are never mentioned so as not to offend anyone. I might not reach 15 because I'm not quite sure that I have that many actual friends. The interesting thing about this is that no one reeeeally knows who its about......but if you think its about you, it probably is. Or maybe not! Haha!

-you are a lucky, blessed and gifted person. You have plenty of people around you love you and care for you. When are you going to realize that THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!! You need to remember that being someones friend doesn't only happen when its convenient for you. If there is a problem, talk it out! Be accpeting and willing to change. Always keep joy in your heart and look at the positive in life! I love you even when I hate you. Is that what they call a love/hate relationship?

-you have no end to your possibilities. Don't ever let anyone hold you back from what you want to do. You deserve the best in life and I've felt this way about you since the day we met in Mr. Blanco's history class. I don't know what it is about you but I always want you to be around. Missing out on years of friendship really bums me out but that's life. People come and go so remember to keep the good ones and every once in a while, weed out the bad ones. It will make you stronger. Even though you are also one of the strongest-willed people I have ever known.

- The year I spent with you and your establishment [and I say establishment so as not to reveal what or who I am talking about] was one of the funnest years of my life. I had a blast, I learned a lot and I am thankful to you for that but when someone is trying to help, realize it. I would never turn my nose up to anyone out of disrespect or conceit. I was raised to respect and that is what I do. I know, I'm a dumbass and when I do things that are disrespectful, its because I don't realize it. I always apologize and accept responsibility for what I've done. Even though I've told yall this before, I wish you all the best with whatever you embark upon on in the future.

- this one is a toughie. I miss you! Since that horrible tragic event happened in our senior year of h.s. I feel like we have developed a truly family-like bond. I can come to you whenever I need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to fill with endless rants and I know that you feel the same. I hope that you continue reading my blog while you are over there. And just know that when you come back, I am going to cook you the best damn chow you've ever had. It might even give you a tiny little food-gasm :-)

-You know that you are a fantastic, fun and fierce person. I just want to tell you that you shouldn't care so much about what people tell you. The only reason people ever really make fun of other people is because the just don't like themselves and they are pathetic posers. And they are just plain LAME!!!! Don't waste your time with idiots and assholes and find someone that deserves you as much as you deserve them.

- this one is for everyone. If you are my friend, you KNOW that I WILL do ANYTHING for you. That's what friends do. Anything for a friend. Anytime. Anywhere. No questions asked. That's a friend.

I think that's all. At least as far as I can think of right now. And by the way Karla and Leslie, I might have accindentally gotten reeeeaalllly buzzed!

Bzzzzzzz,
FF

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It has been a week since my last blog-fession. Let me tell you what's been going down! I FINALLY sold my car!!!!! Now the dilemma is deciding what car to get. My dad has his heart set on getting me a Toyota Scion xB. Well here is the story of the boy who cried wolf.........kinda sorta, but not really.

Once upon a time, there was a young Persexican boy named Darzad. He sold his horse needed to buy a new one. His father offered to supply the difference in the cost for a new horse as long as his son would look for a good, healthy horse that would not eat a lot of food (gas haha!). So young Darzad searched far and wide and suddenly it occurred to him, "why not get the horse I've always wanted, since my father will pay the difference". This seemed like a splendid idea and Darzad was upset that he did think of it sooner. So he coaxed his father in to going to the Horse-Yota dealership on the avenue of montaneth. They offered reasonable horses at reasonable prices. Even a horse that sustained life on water alone, something called a Hybrid Horse or a "Horse-Brid". But one horse in particular caught the eye of our young knight, the FJ Horser. It was a beauty to behold. The noble salesman, although he was friendly and helpful, would not keep his mouth shut about how much food the FJ Horser would consume on a regular basis. He also continued to suggest that such a horse would be much more expensive to insure using Ye Olde Geico insurance. Such a fair color, such solid hooves, an incomparable riding performance and the most comfortable saddle Darzad had ever seen! All these things were not enought to convince Darzad's father to purchase this horse for him. Instead, or shall I say "in-steed", Darzad's father had his eye set on the Pony xB. A very inexpensive horse of very good quality but no what Darzad was interested in. After a test ride or two, Darzad decided that he would settle for the Pony xB since his father was helping out so much with the horse. The Horse-Yota dealership did not have the color of Pony xB that Darzad wanted so they did not purchase it that day. Darzad was excited because he knew that this would give him the opportunity to have more time to convince his father on a different horse. The next day, when Darzad returned to his post at Altomar-eth, he told his friends the story of the salesman who spoke too much. Little did Darzad know that his friend knew the nephew of the sales manager at the Hore-Yota dealer. Within a matter of hours, they had informed the sales manager of the loud-mouthed salesman and it is quite possible that the salesman is now without a job. Darzad feels terrible about this and if you have any advice for me....I mean Darzad as to what to do to, please let Darzad know by commenting on this entry. So for the time being, Darzad is still without a horse. Hopefully by dusk on Saturday, he will be galloping into the sunset.......in an FJ Horser.

Goodbye for now and Godspeed my trusty readers,
FF
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Ok peeps, I'm not gonna lie. It's only been 3 days and I am already regretting (just a little) joining in on this "45 Day Challenge" we've got going on at work. Not so much because of the working out, I don't mind the working out, its more the pain that comes with the working out that is starting to annoy me. I am having trouble with routine neck scratching, simple dressing activities (i.e. pulling t-shirt over head) and now it has gotten to the point that I left my house wearing SWEATPANTS! I do not lie. If you know me, you  know that I NEVER wear anything other than denim unless it is otherwise required for the attendance of an event at which denim might not be sartorially acceptable. Every second that I was out of the house, I wanted to run into a corner and hide. The "guidelines" that go along with our challenge are as follows:

1- NO diet pills or weight loss enhancing products of any kind. All weight loss must be done through diet and exercise. The healthy way. 

2- All participants must put $50 into the "pot" as an incentive for the winner. 

3- The winner will be determined by the percentage of body weight lost, NOT by the number of pounds lost. 

4- Weight is taken at the beginning (duh) and once again on August 1st with the final weigh-in on August 6th. August 1st weigh-in is for motivational purposes only and will not reflect upon final results. If August 1st weigh-in results are not up to 

your expectations, please consult your nearest gym/workout dvd and GIT YO ASS INTO SHAPE BEFORE AUGUST 6TH!!!!

That all seems pretty simple. Now let me just say, I am NOT willing to sacrifice flavor for weight loss. My food will NOT be lettuce and tuna. My food will NOT be bland and flavorless. I am gonna lose weight the healthy way because no matter which way you cut it, I am a foodie. I cannot give up my food. You can take my sodas, you can take my chips, you can take my junk food, but you will never take away my tasty food. 

Give Me Delectable Flavors or Give Me Death, 

F

p.s. I am doing the P90X fitness program. Also, going to the gym when I can and tanning. I was going to take before pictures, but I'm shy. :)

            While my experience may not be as dramatic or as ongoing as those of other people, it still bothers me just as much. Being discriminated against because of what you are is a horrible feeling. After 9/11, not only was I discriminated against in my school environment but I was singled out in airports, city buildings, and other everyday situations. The embarrassment I felt was painful and it was all because of my name.

            The devastating day that was 9/11 was not only hard for the people who lost loved ones in any one of the terrorist acts but it was hard for the whole nation. That didn’t mean that they all had to pick on me and other people of middle-eastern descent!! I am Persian (and Mexican, although you’d never know it from my name). My dad is from Iran. He gave me the name “Farzad”. It means “splendid birth”, but no one cares about that when your name sounds like a potential terrorist name.  Since about 3 weeks after 9/11, I have wanted to change my name. I feel slightly ashamed that I still want to change it but honestly, it would be a lot easier to order a drink at Starbucks without having to repeat “F AS IN FRANK, A AS IN APPLE, R AS IN RED, Z AS IN ZEBRA, A AS IN APPLE, D AS IN DOG” three times. Anytime a person hears my name, they ask about its roots and they ask where I am from, when I tell them, they respond with a look of disgust and shock.

            I was only 16. When it all happened, I was as traumatized as the rest of the country. The only thing that set me apart from almost everyone at my school was that one particular teacher made it VERY clear how he felt about people of middle-eastern descent…terrorist or not. Needless to say, he singled me out, stared at me through his entire “patriotic” speech and my final grade in the class was not what it should have been. I never built up the courage to say something about the way I was treated and I never dug deep enough into myself to find out why. My only explanation for his behavior was that he was looking for scapegoat and I was the nearest, easiest target. 

            Since then, other than ridiculous airport security checkpoints at which I have been ruthlessly searched and questioned, and one incident at work, I haven’t had any problems in the “we think you are a terrorist” department. Thank God! It is just so sad that people feel the need to stereotype and categorize in such a demeaning and disrespectful way. I am still looking forward to the day when racism and discrimination as a whole are done away with. Until then, I am Farzad…“F AS IN FRANK, A AS IN APPLE, R AS IN RED, Z AS IN ZEBRA, A AS IN APPLE, D AS IN DOG”. 

Have you ever had someone confuse you for someone else? Have you ever had a person think that you were something that you weren’t? I remember a time when people confused me for being gay on a very regular basis. I’ll admit that I am not as masculine as some of the other straight guys out there, but I am not feminine either. I have found a happy medium and I am happy with who I am. I remember during high school, my friends and I would go to Mexico to party and dance. I saw a girl from my school that I was interested in and started to dance with her. We danced for about 20 minutes when she decided to tell me that she was happy I was gay because she couldn’t “dance like this with a straight guy”.  I was in shock! I didn’t know that to say. I couldn’t just walk away even though I felt like I should. I had to clear the air around this little rumor. I immediately pulled her off the dance floor and explained to her that I was straight. I proceeded to ask her why she would say that to me and she said, “ It’s just that you dress really well and you’re really nice.” I quickly replied with “Thanks!...but since when does that make you gay?!” We finally fixed the situation and the night ended well. After that night, I got to thinking – why should I have to continually explain myself to people!? Now I know why…..because people don’t get it! Metrosexual does not equal gay!!!!

Maybe I’ll just tell you about a few of the instances in which I have been mistaken for a gay man. Believe it or not, it goes all the way back to 7^th grade. That would add up to just about 11 years. Admittedly, no one back then actually thought I was honestly gay, they just called me that because they couldn’t come up with anything better and I was the easiest target. But throughout the years, the torment has just grown and, in my opinion, spiraled out of control.

You’ve already heard about the high-school-dance-floor situation so I’ll move on to my first year in college, 2004. That was when I actually started to get hit on by people of the same sex. It was very strange. I was away from home, going to school and working full time in California, so obviously I was always tired and low on cash. Whenever I needed coffee I would go to my favorite place, The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, where they had THE best white chocolate mocha. The problem was that each one of those was about five bucks. I realized one day that the male cashier was hitting on me; I decided to go ahead and take advantage of the situation (call me what you want but I got free drinks!). Never did it go any further than witty banter at the coffee counter and then I started to realize how insanely wrong that was for me to do. I never went into that coffee shop again.

After coming back to El Paso, I got a job at a medical office where one of the department heads happened to be gay. Three weeks later, he started to hit on me through text message. Needless to say, I mentioned the situation to my supervisor and the “assailant” was soon fired. All of these situations not only make me very uncomfortable but they force me turn off my social radar. It has been five years since I’ve had a girlfriend. I have tuned out the thought of ANYONE hitting on me so I don’t realize if a girl is hitting on me. These events have taken a serious mental toll on me and it is about time that I get back in the game. My only problem now is that I have become “socially retarded”.

I don’t understand the reason people may think a person who dresses well, keeps clean and practices proper etiquette is gay. It’s a sad thing that people have forgotten that gentlemen still exist. Is the term used to describe a man who enjoys taking good care of himself a little too gay in and of itself? Perhaps the term “commonsensical” should be used in cases like this. A man who keeps himself up to a certain standard of living need not be classified as gay or metrosexual -- this man needs to be considered a sensible human being who is aware and courteous to those around him. No one wants to look at or stand next to a person who smells and looks like trailer-trash. Guys, give them something good to look at! Looking good is not gay, metro or rocket science. It’s simply a matter of good judgment. The next time a girl (or guy) confuses you for being gay, tell her (or him) that you’re just ”commonsensical.”

The adventures and misadventures that kids get themselves into have always intrigued me. I remember a time, not that long ago, that I got into a little trouble myself. In 1994, my uncle got married. My parents, grandparents, brothers and I all traveled (by car) to Canada for the wedding. I come from a Persian family and as we all know, Persians like rugs. So, the following is a little story I like to call “Farzad Through the Looking Glass”. 

I am very vain……or at least that is what my mom tells me.  My mother is always calling me Adonis because she thinks I am too concerned with my looks. She always sings the Carly Simon song "You're So Vain" to me. I disagree with her. I believe I pose a very valid point when I say that “Looks = Success” If you don’t look the part, you’ll never get the part. As a result of my mission for success, I do look in the mirror very often to make sure that I look good. Sometimes though, I just don’t look close enough. 

I’d have to say that my self-preservation efforts started at a young age. I always wanted to make sure that my clothes matched, that my hair look better than everyone else’s and that my sneakers were cooler than all the other guys. I was always voted “Best Dressed” and “Most Stylish”. My clothes were even featured on the fashion page of my high school senior yearbook. This involved many, many minutes in front of the mirror every day. It all started around 2nd or 3rd grade when my “puppy love” phase developed. I attended a private school and they always let the 4th and 5th graders attend the junior high dances. Looking forward to this very much, in 3rd grade I was already thinking of who I would invite to the dance. I decided then and there to start caring for myself and the way I looked. If I ever wanted a girlfriend I’d have to look good for her. The Fonz always looked good and look at how many ladies he got. My theory worked and I have had a date for every dance since the 4th grade.  

In 1994, my Uncle Reza got married in Canada. For this special occasion, my family and I took a three day road trip from El Paso to Toronto to attend the wedding. When we finally arrived, my brothers and I were completely fed up with each other. Needless to say, for the rest of the trip we went our separate ways. I avoided them as much as I could. One day while we were there, my father, being the devout Persian culture enthusiast that he is, decided that we were going to go Persian rug shopping. How fun! Taking a 9 year old to see smelly ugly rugs! It wasn’t really as bad as I thought it would be. A snowball fight would have been much more appealing but July in Canada does not allow for much snow. The entire family went to see these famous Persian rugs. All out parents told us was to behave and stay in one place because it was a big store and they didn’t want us to get lost. There were about 8 kids with us and all we did was jump form pile of Persian rugs to pile of Persian rugs. We were having so much fun, figuring out who could jump the farthest, who could jump the fastest and who could win the races from one end of a row to the other end. I decided to challenge one of my brothers in a race down a row of piles. I was already anticipating my victory. Jump. Jump. Jump. Three down, four to go. I was winning by one pile. Jump. Jump. Jump. I turned to see how far along my brother has come. We were neck and neck! JUU...CRAASH!!! On my last jump, I ran into a mirror. I should have seen myself, considering that I had so much experience looking at myself in the mirror. Luckily, the mirror didn’t break but I felt like my nose did. I even broke my glasses. Blood was running down my face, dripping onto my shirt. This was SO embarrassing! I can’t believe I ran into a mirror! How much more ironic can life be? The person who is always checking himself out in the mirror crashes into one because he didn’t see his own reflection. 

I remember thinking that there must have been more piles of Persian rugs ahead, because that was what I saw. I simply didn’t notice that I was already on a pile of those rugs. The wedding was the next day and even though the wedding wasn’t about me, I didn’t want to go because of the way my face looked. I looked as if I ran into a wall at 80 miles per hour. My parents forced me to go, mostly because I wasn’t old enough to stay in a hotel room by myself. I decided to not tell anyone at the wedding that the wall I ran into was a mirrored wall. I was attached to my brother the whole time because I didn’t want to be the loser in the corner with a bruised and broken face. Of course people asked repeatedly, “What happened to your face?” I told them I ran into a wall. I felt this excuse was embarrassing enough and didn’t invite many more questions. On the other hand, my brother felt I should tell the WHOLE truth. I felt otherwise. When the next investigator came along to find out what happened to my face, my brother gave them the exclusive Barbara Walters 20/20 interview. He held nothing back and explained, in detail, exactly how I ran into a mirror. Everyone’s reaction to his response was drastically different than when they heard my response. Countless questions followed. “Didn’t you see yourself?”, “Don’t you wear glasses? Do they work?”, “Are you retarded?” (yes, they actually asked this.)

 This was even more embarrassing than running into the actual mirror. Now I was running into the reflection of my stupidity. This experience made me learn to take a good, hard look in front of me before walking into any scene that looks strangely familiar. I also learned that mirrors can be a bad thing…..but only if you jump into them face first.

I'm going to be posting my essays from various classes on my blog, just for fun. Let me know what you think!!!

FF

My [love] life has officially come to a standstill. I have no mojo! Naomi and my mother are right. I need to stop treating and looking at girls as friends and start looking at them as potential girlfriends. Its just been such a long time and I'm kinda scared. Its really intimidating. I mean, I hardly ever go out, I hardly ever drink, so I don't want to meet someone who is highly inebriated at a club when I now that that is not the kind of girl that I am looking for. I'd much rather meet someone at Barnes & Noble. I want someone who is smart and who I can have real conversations with. (Just not political conversations cuz I just don't get it right now). I want someone who isn't quite sure of her beauty so I can make her feel beautiful. Not someone who is so sure of herself that she would probably be happy just sitting in front of the mirror all day staring at herself. I want someone who is not afraid to be herslef around anyone, just like me. I'll make a fool of myself in front of complete strangers just to make them happy. I need to find myself a girlfriend. One who isn't fond of cheating on her current boyfriend, one who isn't currently in a relationship. I'd prefer someone who is my age or close to my age. This sounds like a REALLY bad personal ad. Lol! I think I'll stop now. It was dollar drink night at Aceituna's tonight and I spent at least 10-12 dollars on myself. So you all have a good day.

Loserly,
FF

P.S.: for real, if you know of anyone between the ages of 20 and 23 who would be interested in dating someone smart, funny, kind and sincere, give me a holler!!!! [Ugh, I am such a loser]
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The joke is supposed to be......

Q-What do you call a person who takes pictures of dogs??
A-Pho-dog-rapher!! (Photographer!!)

Lol! I put 'od god' on the last one.

Maybe I'm a lil drizzunk.
FF
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Don't be a fr-unt today! (That was for karla and leslie)

So today is my moms birthday. She turns 45. That's all.

I love how some of my stories have no point. Now, here is something with a point. I am glad that Karla and I are becoming good friends again. We used to be like best friends and then *poof* almost nothing. She was a friend I never wanted to lose and for a while, I did. Yes Karla, I know you are probably reading this but sometimes things sound less cheesy when written in blog format.

I am totally feeling more groggy than bloggy right now so I am going to leave you all with a little joke, courtesy of my Mother:

Q-What do you call a person who takes pictures od god??
A-a pho-dog-rapher!!! (Photographer!!!)

Its Friday the 13th......BOO!!
FF
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Yeah, so I finally got over my secret chico's craving. I hadn't been in about a year and a half. I must say, it is so plain. They are just plain old taquitos with some funky sauce and cheap cheese. I think, for my party on august 8th and 9th, I am going to make a gourmet version of chico's. But we'll see.

So tonight I sang for 2 people. I haven't sung for an audience of any size since last july. Even though I thought I was a bit rusty, it felt SO good. I don't know why, I thinks its just fun to do and it usually makes people feel good. And we all know that I like to make people feel good. I sang the song that I sang at the american idol audition [how sweet it is by michael buble] and I love that song. I love to sing. I can't stop myself sometimes. My legs feel numb a little right now.

Its weird that alcohol makes my various areas of my body go numb. Wtf?!? Does that happen to everyone, or just me?? Anywho, let's remember that my party is less than 3 months away. Keep in mind, if you don't dress appropriately, you'll be OUT of my circle. :-) I will be taking lots of pictures and I don't wanna see any fugly outfits!!! Jk! I don't judge (out loud)!

Have a nice day,
FF
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i got a tablet for my mac!!! i can write on stuff just like perez now!!! lol!!

this  is  SO  exciting!!!

When I show up somewhere wearing something, I meant it to be like that!!!!! I do not need nobody tellin me that I neeeeeds to be wearing a tie. I don't not need nobody tellin me that I look better with all my buttons buttoned. Bitch gots to back up OUT my kool-aid cuz bitch don't eeeeeeven know da flava!!!!! That's right. I just threw a B.F. [Bitch Fit] So today was the wedding of Christina and Jake. They are now the Lara's. Its weird. Christy was always my back-up. Not for marriage or anything like that, but like for going with me to certain places. Today, for example, I was thinking, "who can I dance with?", and then I thought "Christina", but now she's married so I can't just go dance with her like she was still single. Naomi backed out on me when my song came on so I had to dance with one of Christinas co-workers. She was really nice and her 5-year old danced with us too. Steve and I got pretty drunk of off Malibu's and sprite's. Lol! They go good together. The cake was good. The food was good and Mama Lupe [naomi and christina's mom] gave me her champagne. And from a different occasion [involving people not in attendance at the wedding] Let me just say, I ain't gon' git drunk so you could mo-lest me!!!!! You should git yo own ass drunk and stop bein' so desperate! [B.F. #2]

Never wanting to hear another Ranchero song......EVER!!!!!!!!,
FF
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Do we practice how to eat? Someone remind me to post my essays up on this blog. I always get good feedback about the content but bad feedback about the writing style. Whatev!! ANYWAY!!! [Its quite possible that I have ADD, considering how often and how quickly I change subjects.......ooh! a bird!!!] I went to the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner for my very good friend Christina Gomez today. It was nice and I got "upgraded" from usher to escorting her mom down the aisle. Haha! Awesome, I'm an "escort". So from now on, if you want me to go with you somewhere, it'll cost you!!!

So in just a few short weeks, some friends of mine are planning to go to Vegas. I am getting more and more excited about this trip and I'm still not totally sure that I can afford it considering that I racked up almost 900 in shopping when I went to denver. Ugh, I have MAY-JAH shopping issues. I am pretty positive that I can get my mom to at least pay half. Then I'll be able to go. For sure.

Tonight, I was at Erins bar with Karla and Leslie and I have SUCH a good time with them! And I'm totally not just saying that because I know they read my blog now but seriously, even though half the time, I have NO IDEA what they are talking about, those girls make sure that you have fun! No matter what! I'm glad we are hanging out all summer and all are attending the 3 day birthday extrrrrravaganza!!!!

Hurry up and get here Aug. 7th, 8th & 9th,
FF
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I just got home from Aceituna's, (and I'd like to give a shout out to my girls Naomi, Karla and Leslie!! Lol!!), and call me a nerd but I felt the urrrge to read. Yes its past midnight and yes I'm a little drunk BUT I finally finished 'The Soul of a Chef'! I have to say, the very last line of the book is my favorite. It reads, "...they never forgot what the work was about: to cook for people and to make them happy." That's all I want to do! Cook for people and make them happy!!! I love cooking and baking and I love happy people! Mix it all together and you've got yourself one hell of a cocktail.......and I like cocktails too!!!! I'm excited now cuz I can start reading this guy's (Michael Ruhlman) other books. There are two other ones that I'm really wanting to read, which are 'The Making of a Chef' and 'The Reach of a Chef'. Its a series of observational books in the cooking industry. He also helped write the cookbook that Naomi is supposed to get me for my birthday, The French Laundry Cookbook. I can't wait to get it and try out the recipes. Ugh, I'm so obsessed. All I think about is food and its 1:15 am and all I can do right now is think of what kind of food I want to make for my birthday party on August 7th, 8th & 9th. Don't worry, you'll get an invite.

Patiently awaiting August,
FF
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