i am not going to france. just so you all know. all 3 of you.
good day,
FF
I seem to have gotten myself in to. Last month, nearing the end of the run for "Nightmare Before Christmas" at Center Stage, Stacy (the director/owner) asked if I'd like to be in "The Last Five Years". I reeeeeeallly wanted to be in it but just a few days before, the director of the show I did with EPCC called and asked me to do a show with her. I was reluctant to do any of the shows because I knew I would have a pretty busy schedule in the coming semester in order to be ready for France in the fall (!!!). I informed the EPCC director that I couldn't do her show for that very reason. When Stacy asked me if I wanted to be in her show, I was so conflicted because I wanted to do the show so badly (it was the show I would have done had I not gotten kicked out just a year and a half earlier) but had already told someone else I couldn't do their show because of school. Both shows, by the way, would have been rehearsing and performing around the same time. I told Stacy, after thinking it through, that I couldn't do the show for two reasons: 1] I was expecting a very busy semester and I don't think I would have the time to dedicate to rehearsing for a 2 hour, non-stop singing, emotionally-draining show and 2] I already told the other director I couldn't do the show with her and it would be wrong of me to do another show, going against what I told the other director. That would have made me a liar and I won't have that. :-) So now, I dropped by rehearsal (not just because they asked me to but I wanted to see everyone) and I really want to do the show now. I know, I know.......I know what you told me Dalit, "you know you're gonna end up doing it anyway, yadda, yadda, yadda...". And you're probably right, even though I said "Nightmare" would be my last show, I can't help but want to do this show. If not just to finally be able to perform it after learning it all the first time and then abruptly getting kicked out, but also for the show. Its a great show. Its very emotional and yet heart warming. Its sad but so real too. If I did do the show, it would only be one or two performances. Its just a 2 person show and there are quite a few pairs doing it so I would do a couple of shows. I know I really shouldn't do it. But I'd be done with it by the 3rd week of school if not sooner. The other show would have taken me well into the first week of March. Its against my morals. I can't tell one person one thing and turn around and do the exact opposite. Its wrong. But then again, aren't rules sometimes meant to be broken??
Should I flip a coin????
FF
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As flat as they day I bought it. It has never been filled with ANYTHING. My family has never been reeeeeally in to the whole "traditional" christmas so I resent all those christmas movies putting ideas in my head of what it should be like. My Christmas has usually consisted of between 1-3 gifts of average quality. Sweaters, colognes, some kind of entertainment thing (vhs, dvd, cd, etc). I hate to be so "un-humble" here but I'm really ticked off and I need to vent.I spent a lot of money this year on christmas gifts. Money that I really shouldn't have been spending but I don't like to think that people are going without christmas gifts or that they feel "left out" if they didn't get anything. I donated between 60-70 to ONE PERSON, truly out of the kindness of my heart because I would have preferred to sell them but I know that this guy needed the clothes more than I needed the money. I do good things. I am a good person. When is the universe gonna return the favor??!! When is this 'karma' crap gonna kick in?! I know I shouldn't expect anything but seriously!!! Its about freakin time already!!! I got 250 dollars for christmas this year. And a dvd from my brother. The 250 came from my mother for the sole purpose of "getting me out of christmas debt". She just paid me for her new iPod. Fantastic. The dvd is a USED one. I suppose it IS the thought that counts and it was very nice of my brother and my mother to at least remember to get me something. I always give and give and give and I never really expect things in return but IT WOULD BE NICE!!!! My mom couldn't even get me a heartfelt card. She used the same generic one that she mailed out this year. How do you think that makes me feel?! On monday, my mom asked me to do her christmas shopping for her. I bought (on behalf of my mother)for my older brother a new BlackBerry Curve, my younger brother a new Sony GPS system and I, myself, bought them -in addition to what gifts I had already purchased for them- all the accessories for their new gadgets. They had plenty of gifts to open, stockings stuffed, I even bought everyone their own brand new, personalized-by-me travel coffee mug and all I got was 250 cash in a "no-thought-was-put-into-this" generic holiday card and a used dvd. But its the thought that counts, really. There is not doubt that when I make my credit card payment this month, along with the $250, I will be able to pay off one credit card in total but I would like to know that a little more thought was put into my gift. I didn't ask for anything this year because I don't need anything. It give me pleasure to make others happy. But if you are going to get me gift, make it count. I do!!!!! Time and time again, I do my best to make it count. My mom mentioned in june that she would like to get an iPod. I remembered that and what did I get her for christmas?! An iPod!!!! Whatever. I'm tired right now and I have a TON of other things on my mind. Dalit hasn't called me back in like 4 days and my therapist is out of town til January 7th. I'm going crazy here!!!! I need a vacay.
Merry Freakin' Christmas.
FF
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My back hurts. Since yesterday afternoon. I was awake half the night in pain and with uncontrollable itching (thanks to the codeine). This morning, not only am I moving about like an old man in pain, but I also feel like may just blow chunks at any moment. Those damn painkillers make me feel ridiculously hungover. I'm gald I didn't spew in my moms car though. I think I just need to eat something. But who knows, I'm sitting in a doctors office right now, waiting to be called in, and there is no food. I just wanna get back in my bed and do nothing all day!!! I feel like an 80 year old man. I'm only 23!! Why is this happening?! Anywho, I have my first final today at 1 and hopefully by then I'll be feeling better so I can concentrate on my test and not worry about my back. I have been here for almost an hour and not one single person has been called in. Whay is this taking so long?! I told the receptionist that the doctor was a friend of ours so hopefully she'll bump me up on the list even though there were only a couple of people waiting when I got here. Well, obviously todays blog was just for me to vent a little about my back. I know I haven't written in a while and I just don't know why. Anywho, enjoy this one, as it is possible that it may be a while til the next one.
Peace, Love & Painkillers,
FF
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....On my mind right now. I need to find a way to get everything together. To re-organise myself. Ideas are jumping around in my mind like frogs jumping from lilypad to lilypad. I'm doing a show at Center Stage. Right now, I really don't think I have time to do a show. But I need the escape so I'm doing it. I think it will be good for me mentally and physically. But it is extremely time-consuming and I never really get a break from it. Rehearsals are Sunday-Thursday from 7-9. That leaves me 2 nights out of the week to myself. But I never really have them to myself because my family is always going to/invited somewhere and I am the only one of the brothers that ever goes. Everyday consists of waking up (between 730 and 8) getting to work by 930-945, going to school (T-Th only), going back to work until 5, get home at 530, go to theatre at 630 and usually stay til 930. And of course, during the "travel time", there are plenty of stops....groceries for the house, pharmacy runs, food for myself, school things, etc... By the time I get home (for good), I'm pooped!!! I don't feel the strength to do anything. By the end of the week, I just want to stay home and do nothing. Thankfully, this week is thanskgiving so I will have a bit of a break. No school from wednesday-monday, no rehearsal on thursday, friends in from out of town. This is setting itself up to be a good weekend. I'm just tired of being here. I am getting the feeling again that I am stuck in a rut. Always the same thing!! I think I'm going to end up being one of those people that never really settle in one place. I'm going to be everywhere. I'm gonna either work my way from place to place to place OR have houses everywhere so I can just up-and-leave whenever I want to. Oh goodness.......I just wanna start all that in France. I have a feeling that once I'm there, a lot of doors will open for me.
Knock-Knock.......Bonjour!!!
FF
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I'm blogging. I told y'all that I'd give you a thorough update of what has been going on with me. The last time I wrote something other than halloween pictures and nonsense, it was about my life being semi-normal and just before that I wrote somewhat of an obituary (although I really don't like that word so we'll call it a "remember&honor" blog). Now I am going to try truly updating. I'll do my best to keep it detailed but not too long-winded. And I'll do it numerically (in no particular order):
1. I went to san diego last week to surprise Dalit for her birthday!! It was fun but I'm not gonna lie, it was totallly not the kind of vacation I needed. I wanted to just relax and be alone but instead I drove a lot and was always surrounded by people. I would have been happy to just hang out with my best friend all day but I had to chill with my aunt and uncle for a while considering I was staying at their house. And on top of all that, my back was killing me the whole time! I didn't pop pills the whole time, only on the flights because I knew I would be sitting for hours and I had stops both ways. [See Dalit!! I'm not a druggie!!] I hate to say it [no, I don't] but I think I need another vacation to get over this one.
2. As I may have previously mentioned, I told my dad a little about culinary school. And I say a little because I didn't actually say that I was planning on going whether he liked it or not. Here's how it happened (with a few extra details, just so it all makes sense)....when I sold my car, I was planning to pay for a new one on my own. I wanted to use the money from selling the old car as a down payment on the new one. My dad flipped a little when he found out I sold it (even though he knew I had been trying to sell it since november...it was now june). After making me give him the check I got from selling the old car, he took me to buy a new one. He told me he'd pay for it and I would pay him the difference ($6000). So just a couple of weeks ago, I gave my dad $3000. He asked "ver deed you get thees money ferom" [where did you get this money from?] and I told him I was saving it for school. He asked "vaht eskool?" [What school?] And I said culinary school. I thought at this point, he would flip out. He then asked "how match ees eet?" [How much is it?]. I replied with "$40000 but I am looking at better, more affordable options". He then said "like vaht?" [Like what?]. Me: "studying in france for a year. Its only $15000 for the whole year, including everything" he then said "that sonds goood. Make de peroposel and geev eht to me tonight." [That sounds good. Make a proposal and give it to me tonight" I was ecstatic when he told me that. I couldn't believe that some words of interest came out of his mouth!!! Was I dreaming? Was I in the Twilight Zone?? Seriously, was I being Punk'd?? More on this subject in a future blog post.
3. I have started to see a therapist. I've only gone twice now but I really do feel like its helping me to let everything out. And its good to know that I'm not the only one that thinks the circumstances in which I was raised were a bit difficult to deal with. Honestly, I was a little apprehensive to go to a therapist. I was expecting someone to tell me so lay on the couch and tell them my feelings as they took "notes" and said "mmhmm, mmhmm, and how does that make you feel??". I would have stepped right on outta there if it was like that. But this therapist seems to actually be interested in what I'm saying. Its like talking to a friend I've known for years. And I totally did not expect to be brought to tears in the first session. Lol!
4. My back has been hurting since my birthday (august 9th, mark your calendars). It has been the worst physical pain I have ever felt!! As of monday, november 17, the pain has significantly decreased. I have no idea how but it doesn't hurt anymore!!!! Its a kwanzaa miracle, y'all!! I know I need to restrict my movements and be careful with what I lift, etc., but I am just so happy it doesn't hurt anymore.
I think that's all for now. I'm going to get ready for school now. I've got 20 minutes to shower and get out of the house and we all know that with me, that's NOT possible. But I'll try my best!!
Peace!!!
FF
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I have finally (completely) fixed my blackberry. Everything has been re-installed and I now have my memopad back!!! That was the main reason I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. I usually create a blog in the memopad and then email it as an attachment. That way it doesn't interfere with sending/receiving other texts/emails. Well, a quick update because I have to study for my persian test. I am going to see a therapist tomorrow. I'll exlpain more later. Some more good news......I told my dad about culinary school. I told him I'd been saving money for it but that it was too expensive and I was looking at other, much more affordable options (i.e. Studying in france for a year). Yes, believe it or not, studying in france for a year is MUCH more affordable than a culinary school that's only 400 miles from home. Anyway, he's totally into the idea and he has even asked me for more info. He's NEVER done that. EVER!!!!! I almost jumped when he told me "that sounds good. Make a proposal and show it to me at dinner". My mom screamed a little when I told her. It felt so good that my dad was finally showing an interest in something that I had an interest in. AND he has even told his friends that I am going to france! What is happening!!!! Have pigs grown wings and nobody told me?! This is crazy. I have to study now. I'll be back soon with more updates and more stories for you all.
Wow,
FF
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I'd totally give her my "Last Name",
FF
P.S. Carrie is obviously not the prominent person in the picture, the guitar guy was totally c***blocking.
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Courtney and I
Aracely and I
Shonna and I
Another One of The Three of Us
El Senor and La Senorita Zorro
NayNay, Sofia Quesadilla and I
Before Republic
At Republic
Stay Tuned For More!!!
FF
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As of late, my life has been somewhat of a topsy-turvy carnival where all of lifes mishaps come to feast. A place where emotions are present but hardly ever invited. I have been in what can only be called a downward slump. I was in a situation where I thought I knew exactly what I wanted.......but apparently I was wrong. I was in a position in which my faith was tested (but then again, who isn't in a situation like that almost everyday?). I was in a situation where I thought to myself, "what am I doing here?!", and not in a meaning-of-life kind of way but more of a who-would-care-if-i-was-gone kind of way. I had thoughts in my head that no one should ever have. I was thinking of ways to kill myself but trying to make it look like an accident so people would remember me in a good way, not in a way that "he was depressed [which means crazy]". (Don't read too much into this....I'm depressed but I'm also very shallow, I could never kill myself......I'd worry too much about the mess of blood that would have to be cleaned up! Lol!) Anyway, I can't lie and say I'm over all that but I can say, I'm feeling a little better. I figured it was about time for an update. I know you've all been wondering and no, I don't wear underwear on tuesdays. Jk!!! I know you've been thinking "I wonder when Farzad is leaving to culinary school". Well, sadly, I will not be going after all. Unfortunately, this time its all my fault, especially since my dad didn't even know about it. I tried but I could not find any kind of financial aid since my parents still claim me on their tax information. The most I was able to save was $5,000 (with an EXTREME amount of help from my mom) and that would only cover the cost of MAYBE 3 months of living. I was nowhere close to where I needed to be financially. BUT, I am looking into other options for schooling. I'm very excited about a few of the options but I'm not going to say what they are yet. I don't want to jinx anything, as I usually tend to do. Just pray that things work out. I'm sure one day I'll finally settle on something for my life but for now, I'm happy being mediocre. (Ok, I'm lying!! But at least I've got the theatre back so I have some kind of outlet for my emotions!!)
At Least I'm Semi-Normal, (??)
FF
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Yesterday, a great man left this earth. Ali was more than a family friend. He was family. Since I was just a kid, I remember holidays and vacations spent with my uncle Ali and my cousins Jenny and Anthony. Whether we all met at a certain destination or visited each others homes, the times spent with him were some of the happiest times I can remember. He had a special ability to make my whole family happy. I'm sure he could do this with any family, he could do this with the world. He was always so full of light, love and compassion. I know that since my dad came to America, he and Ali have been the best of friends; helping each other start new lives in a country and culture that was new to them. Any time my family would go on a road trip, my dad would tell us of all the adventures and mishaps from back in the day with Ali Daee. Any time we were all together with the Jafari family, I always felt like I had someone to talk to. Sadly, I feel like I never could have learned enough from Ali.
I know how bad I'm going to sound for saying this but, I have never looked up to my dad. It makes me so sad to feel like I've never been able to look up to him. He has never once told me that he is proud of me, never told me anything without insulting me at the same time. I just don't feel like I should look up to my dad. The one "father figure" I've had is Ali. I say this in the sense that even though I never really had any deep conversations with him, I knew that if I ever needed him, he would be there. I knew that he would always love me and my brothers the same as he loves his children. He always gave me that feeling.
There was a stretch of just a few years that we all spent quite a few holidays together. Everytime, I was always not only so excited to see Jenny and Anthony ("hhoussssekeeeppping!!") but I was also always very excited to see Ali. I could never really show how excited I was because I couldn't let my dad feel like I liked Ali more than I liked him but I was excited nonetheless. It was always a great feeling to be in the same room, at the same dinner table, or even jet-skiing with Ali. He had the kind of spirit that could truly and sincerely light up any place.
Ali was a man that truly loved life. He loved his kids and he never failed to let them know that. This was something that I was always jealous of. What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't tell the truth? I know how horrible of a person I must sound like sometimes but I need to tell the truth. I was jealous of Jenny and Anthony because they loved their dad. They always respected him and honored him, as I'm sure they will continue to do in his absence. I have never felt that for my dad. Any time I get the slightest little inkling of that emotion, he does something to tear it to shreds. Ali is the person that gave me hope that maybe one day, my dad could be as kind and loving as Ali. Anyway, this is not about me or my dad. (I seem to have gotten carried away).
Since the day I heard of Ali's accident, I have been going a little crazy. It was the day that I was going to tell my dad that I was going to go to culinary school. I didn't even have the guts to tell my dad to his face. I sent him an email. As soon as I heard the news about Ali and Theresa, I went into my dads email account and deleted it. I knew that if my dad was feeling anywhere close to what I was feeling, that it was not the right time to tell him. All I could think at that moment was that Ali needed to get better. Since then, every moment that I've gotten a chance to sit down and really think, there was always only one thought in my mind..."Pray for Ali". I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and sorrow that has come over his children. All I can do now is pray that they have peace and that they realize that they are not alone. They say that there is power in numbers when it comes to prayer. I know that there were probably an unbelievable number of people praying for him to get better or at least for the best possible result to happen. I know that death is not anyones idea of the best possible result, but we need to remember that he is no longer suffering. His children made the hardest decision imaginable and I know that they will emerge from this situation stronger than they already are and so much more ready for anything that comes their way. Their father was always proud of them and I know that they will never fail to make him proud as he watches over them.
Ali Jafari was the kind of man that I would like to be. A gentle man and a gentleman. He will not be forgotten. He will always be loved and I hope that one day we will meet again.
FF
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All this shit goin on right now! The last thing I need after a long day at work, and a full day of not eating anything but a piece of birthday cake, and being on the phone with tmobile/blackberry tech support trying to fix my phone, is for my little brother to be insulting me. When I got home, I immediately started getting things ready to take to my grandmas house for a garage sale I'm having. I asked farshid for help and as usual, he refused. He said he had a "headache". Whatever. That lil bitch just didn't want to get his lazy ass off the couch to help me. As I was going in and out of the house taking things to my car, farshid got up and did a variety of things for himself including preparing himself dinner. I don't know about you but the last thing I want to do when I have a headache is get up and make food. Much less sit in front of a tv for hours listening with the volume just a touch too loud. So since my parents are out of town, my mother is being her usual paranoid self and suspecting that farshid is having a party at home. And that he is completely drunk. First of all, farshid has no friends over 21 to buy him anything and he knows as well as my mom does that we won't buy it for him either. Second, when my mom says "no parties" we usually listen. And we totally tell her when we do have a party. I call it respect, you may call it something else. So I called farshid to see what he was doing and he was at a coffee shop so I said "ok, bye". Simple, no? I found out what he was doing, said ok and bye. He called me back in an outrage! He started with "why did you park the suburban behind my car?!" I said "because you were bieng lazy and didn't want to move your car so I moved the suburban to a less obtrusive place". Then he started slinging insults at me " balh blah asshole blah blah blah idiot blah blah blah I'm always nice yadda yadda yadda". So then, I hung up on him. I do not need to sit around and just listen when someone continues to insult me and doesn't give me a chance to speak.I do the same thing anytime my dad speaks to me, I just walk away. He wasn't going to move his car so I moved another car to accomodate my needs. Its that simple. He needs to quit being a little bitch and just move the other car. Just like I did. He then called me 4 more times!!! I ignored every call. I knew he was just going to continue yelling (just like my dad) and insulting me. I don't need to deal with that. Just like so many people have told me before "you need to weed out the bad people in your life". That's what I was doing, on a very small scale. I love my brother but he needs to chill the f*** out!!!! He is so moody all the time, always rebelling and he's against everything. He never has an opinion (at least not when its asked for) and he's never genuinely nice. And I know its just because he doesn't want to be. I hate that he behaves like that. Its so immature. Oh!!! And then he left me a voicemail saying "yeah farzad, that's real mature, real grown up for you to hang up on me like that. I don't know if you think I'm nice, but I'm gonna start being a real asshole to you from now on. Who hangs up on people when they are in the middle of talking to someone?!" Ummm.......I didn't know you had to stick around for an insult session. Anywho, he's mad, I'm glad, let's just all get over it! I don't plan on speaking to him tomorrow unless its totally necessary. Oh and on that note, its now 2 weeks and 6 days since my dad has spoken to me. But I won't not talk to farsh for that long. We'll get over it as soon as I come up with something to say thatll make him feel bad for talking to me like that. Lol!
Drop It!!!!
FF
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Since my dad has spoken to me. Since then, it seems that he takes any precautionary measures to avoid me. As do I. I purposely avoid him in order to avoid confrontation and pointless arguments. My mom keeps trying to get me to "release my anger" but I keep trying to tell her that I'm not angry. I'm sad. How would you feel if your father wasn't talking to you?! It not even that he is not talking to me, its that he purposely ignores me. The other day, at my cousins birthday party, I saw him do the most childish thing (as if the ingoring wasn't childish enough). He looked to the line of people getting food (which I was in) saw me, and sat down. He watched and waited until I got back to my table so he could get up and serve himself. Wtf?! He is such a baby. But seriously, whatev. I really don't care anymore. Last week I was freaking out so much that I had to mooch xanax from a friend and now I realize, its not that bad. Now I am guaranteed to be left alone. No more arguments. I don't have to share anything with him......I could walk by with a dozen donuts, savoring one with glaze falling to the ground as I take each bite, and not have to offer him anything. I know that makes him so upset, but he won't say anything because he's too proud. Remember kids, that's one of the seven deadly sins. Mmmm......donuts. I can't believe that I am in all of this crap with my dad and there are people that don't even have dads. People that have lost their fathers. People who's fathers are holding on to their life with everything they've got in them. My mom told me today that the machines that are keeping my uncle in Colorado alive will be turned off on friday. This pains me so much to even think of what my cousins are going through. And if I haven't said this before, its not my actual uncle or my actual cousins but we've kinda grown up together so that's how we feel about each other. And we call him Ali Daee (which means uncle ali in persian). Then again, all us persians are related one way or another. Its like six degrees of kevin bacon but with persians. I can't imagine the world without Ali. He is such a generous person. Always so loving and caring for everyone. Honestly, as I've grown up seeing them on a lot of holidays and spending a lot of time with them, I've seen that not all persian dads are like my dad. I don't understand how he could have come from the same country as my dad. He is so nice!!! All the time. And you know it because his kids truly love him....not just because they have to. You can hear it when they talk about him and you can see it when they are all together. This should not have happened to him. And I'm not saying that anything like this should ever happen to anyone, I'm just saying that he, of all people, deserves to be with his family and friends. He lives a good life because he is a good person. Good people don't deserve to be put in situations like this, no one does. I am now asking you, my trusty reader(s) to pray for him and his family. To give them peace, comfort and strength. If you are catholic, christian, jewish, whatever. Just pray. Or do what you do to help people. Miracles do happen and I truly believe that Ali Daee deserves one.
Pray,
FF
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To my mind. Recently I've been in a sort of slump. I'm actually not even sure that that is the right word for it but I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for the past few weeks. I know the problem is about my dad and my inability to tell him that I am going to culinary school. Or at least that is what the problem is stemming from. I told my mom that I think I need to be on xanax. That may have been a bad idea. She will not leave me alone. She is trying to "fix" me. One minute, she doesn't want to admit that I have some kind of problem and the next minute she's trying to get me to a "religious counselor". Whatevs. All I want is silence. I want to get away from everything. It seems like everything is too crowded, too loud, too much for me right now. I used to be so outgoing and friendly and now I feel like I'm turning into some bitter little freak that hates everything. I don't want to become someone I hate. This is all my dads fault. Right now, I have one parent who is trying to "fix" me and one parent who is ignoring me at all costs. Who wants to be in my shoes?! No one? Well that's what I thought. My mom keeps trying to get me to tell her what I'm thinking. I only told her half of it. Or maybe less than half of it.
I think about my future. I think about my dad. I think about what consequences may come of any of my actions in the future. I think about how I'm scared that my little farsh will turn into my dad. I think about how I'm scared that I might turn into my dad. I think about how I feel like I may never amount to anything in my life. I think a out my uncle in Colorado who has been in and out of a coma for 2 1/2 weeks and how I can't do anything to help. I think that I'll never raise enough money to go to culinary school. I think that once I get the money (if I get it) will I go to culinary school just to spite my father or because I really want to. I think I might get stuck in el paso for the rest of my life. I think people are only nice to me because they think they have to be. I don't think anyone really likes me for any particular personality trait that I have. I think my mom thinks I'm gay because I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years. Or 6 years. I lost count. I think I won't ever get a girlfriend because I'm so extremely picky. And I am so extremely scared of what she may think of me. I think I need a real vacation (I.e. No phone, no tv, no internet. Just me and a book and a bottle of ciroc vodka) I think I really don't want to be in rocky horror but I like to have friends so I'll do it anyway. I think I may die before I ever get close to getting married. I think I don't want to be in school because the only reason I'm there is to make my dad happy but HE'S NEVER HAPPY!! I think in a lot of different languages all at once. I think that makes me crazy. I think I'm a horrible singer but sometimes, I'm not that bad. I think I really wouldn't mind taking over my dads business if I could run it like a modern business and not one that is stuck in 1991. I think I don't ever want to see speak or hear from my father ever again. I think I can't concentrate, sleep, work or just be me because I think I think too much.
What do you think?
FF
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I don't consider myself a chicken though. This is for the mental safety of everyone in my house. Tonight, when I got home, I started to watch the much-anticipated return of Heroes in the season 3 opener. I brought my dogs in with me to join in on the momentous occasion. With only about 20 minutes left of the show, my dad gets out of bed and waddles on down to the den. He sees that my dogs are sleeping on the couch with me. In that moment, its as if the furies and flames of hell erupted in his eyes. He's found it! The opportunity to bite my head off!!!! He went almost ballistic. He started screaming and accusing me of purposely putting the dogs on the couch where he puts his face (??) because apparently I just don't like him or respect him. He said I did it because I didn't like him?! What are we in fifth grade or something?!?! I can't believe he is being such a baby about this little incident. It is due to this random act of satan that I have hacked (or just logged into) my dads email account and deleted the aforementioned email (I Just Pulled The Trigger...). I know; its a total chicken-shit move but I can't even magine the reaction when he reads that letter. So now, I have locked my self in my room (literally....my door handle is broken from the inside and I locked the outside of my bathroom door so I really can't get out). I've taken 2 vicodins and now I'm just waiting to fall asleep. Don't worry, I'll probably come to my senses and re-send it (with a read-receipt this time!) in the morning. But to be on the safe side, I've packed a bag with at least 2 days of clothes. But of course, I packed smart. 1 pair of jeans, 2 shirts, 2 underoos, 1 pair of shoes and all my spare car keys (3 total) just in case my dad tries to raid my room and repossess my car when he finds out about the school.
Sweet Dreams Bitches,
FF
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and possibly killed my self. or at least my life. i just told my dad that i am going to culinary school....whether he likes it or not. i dont have the stones to tell him face to face (but you'd understand if you knew him when he's angry) so i sent him an email. maybe this wasnt the best way to go about telling him. now i have to wait until he reads it. i have no idea when he'll check his email so i am shitting more than bricks right now. i am shitting the brick house made by one of the three little pigs. i was on a diet up until about ten minutes ago. i cant go without food right now. i am too stressed out. AAAHHHHH!!!!im freaking out on the inside. i cant freak out out loud cuz im at work and i dont want my freaking out to freak other people out. freaky freakin freakidy freaker. so if you dont hear from me by the end of the day tomorrow, send help. and can you imagine if my dad doesnt check his email today?! how ridiculous would that be?? i would have to talk to him at home and have the thought in my head that i am about to crush him and act like nothing is wrong. this is making me go insane. i dont think i am going to accomplish much at work today. i think maybe i should prepare an info sheet so my dad knows more about where i am going and waht is happening. or maybe i should just prepare my funeral plans. that way everything goes exactly as i want it to. i want shakira songs playing. and it would be nice if she could be there.
:-(
FF
I feel like my stomach is about to jump out of my mouth, flop around on the floor and then die, right in front of my eyes. Tomorrow is the day I am finally going to tell my dad that I am going to culinary school. I am not going to ASK if I can go. I'm going to TELL him that I AM GOING. I don't even want to begin to think about his reaction. Which is why I decided to tell him in the form of a letter. I'm so nervous about it that I really feel like I am going to throw up everything I've eaten in the past year. I don't want to tell him. I just want to leave and finish culinary school so I can be a chef!!!! I feel nervous, anxious, frustrated (I'm running out of emotions....and I don't know many other words for what I'm feeling). As many of you know, my dad doesn't want me to go to culinary school. I won't go into detail because I think its all in a previous blog. But still, I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "I'm going. Even if he says no because I'm not seeking permission, just approval. I'm going.". But then I think "I can't go if he's not ok with it". I need to just get over it and give him the letter. And even then, why don't I have the guts to tell him face to face?! Why do I have to be such a pansy and hide behind some piece of paper?!? There could be 2 possible answers to this: first, I've talked to my dad a few times before about culinary school and and NEVER has it ended well. Second, if he reads it, maybe he'll comprehend it easier? I dunno. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight so I might just pop a few "candies" to help me along. I just want to learn everything about cooking. Then maybe one day I can sit and have an intelligible conversation with Alton Brown about the caramelization of sugar or how to make the perfect hollandaise. Maybe I'm just a dreamer. In any case, if it happens again that I get thiseffingclose to going to culinary school and then ending up with me telling everyone I couldn't go again because of my dad....AGAIN, I'm going to need a therapist. I just know it. I won't be a mentally stable person if my plans fall through again.
I need a xanax,
FF
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While driving to lunch with Eliza today, we coined a new term, "vicious with a smile". Eliza mentioned that she thought it was a good name for a band or something and I said it would make a good title for a blog. So here it is, "Vicious......With a Smile".
Sometimes, life is good. Sometimes, life is bad. One thing is for sure, life is always vicious......with a smile. Think about it: life sucks. How many times do you ever think to yourself "wow, I'm really happy. There is nothing wrong with my life" ? Never, you say?! That's what I thought! That's how life is so vicious. When is there not something bad going on that is always on your mind? Wars, idiotic presidential candidates (and their running mates who use their downs syndrome baby as a selling point), cancer, etc. Yet, there is always that promise that something greater lies ahead. Wars come to an end, the better choice (usually) wins the election, people beat cancer, etc. Do you ever hear anyone say that your life is never going to get any better? No! They always say "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" or "look at the silver-lining".
For example, my life (recently) has been very uneventful. I've had the same hum-drum routine for a while and I can honestly say that something is wrong with me. I don't know if I'm depressed, bored, anxious, etc., but something needs to change soon. A couple of weeks ago, I took a little vacay with my mom and brother (Scottsdale, if you recall from recent blogs) and we visited the Scottsdale Culinary Institute. I'm very happy to announce that I applied, was accepted and within a few hours of my visit, I was already set up with my brand spankin new student email address, a campus advisor who is helping with all the finer details of securing my transfer to Arizona and a renewed hope for a better life. Please don't misunderstand me, I have a good life. I can't complain about anything I have right now but you must understand when I say that a person can go crazy when living under the same circumstances and environments for years at a time. I'm young. I don't want to go to my high school reunion having not accomplished anything in my life because I got too comfortable in mommy and daddy's comfort zone. I'm not gonna be that "junior" that my dad wants me to be. I'm not a carbon copy!!!!
The only problem with the school is that I haven't told my dad yet. I know, I know! I need to tell him asap. My mom has given me a "deadline" of September 30 to inform my dad. The thing that is different about this time is that I am saving up my money so he sees that I am much more responsible now compared to what I was before. I am not expecting him to give me his blessing in going to school. The only thing I am expecting is that he explodes and throws the biggest bitch fit that we have ever seen. To him, he'll see it as a betrayal. I don't know how to explain it but if you talked to him about it, you'd understand. On the other hand (here comes the "...with a smile" part), I'm FINALLY going to culinary school!! Snaps for me! Now please, don't talk to me about it. I know it seems dumb and you'd think I'd love to talk about it 24/7 but I feel like if I talked about it all the time, it won't happen. I just wanted to tell you all this so you don't call CNN when I go missing in the end of December (that's when I'm moving.....hopefully)
Keep in mind that if for any reason whatsoever, I do not go to this school in January, I will go insane!! I don't think I'll be able to hamdle so much disappointment if Idont go to another school because of my dad (recap: culinary school '03, san diego '04, art institute for advertising '04, gave up in '05 and '06, film school '07, AMDA '07), all of those schools were denied to me simply because my dad won't support me (emotionally or financially). I'm glad to announce that I have worked on emotionally detached myself and am no longer seeking the approval of my father so I hope everything goes better this time around.
So just remember, life is always vicious but it never does it without a smile to comfort you. I'm SO looking forward to my smile.
There is plenty more that I have to share with you (including: theatre, cancer, work, school, general life) but will be coming in future blogs. Haha! How's that for a cliffhanger!?!
Say a Little Prayer For Me,
FF
P.S.: (no I don't have cancer, its just a topic I'd like to discuss)
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Happy Labor Day! While everyone else is relaxing at home, most likely having cookouts or swimming with friends, I will be in my room. Cleaning. All day. That is, of course, until 7o'clock when the season premiere of Gossip Girl comes on. But in the meantime, my room will begin to look more and more organized and I will most probably be rearranging it (as I do everytime I clean my room out). Let's all cross our fingers that this time it stays clean at least until Christmas! Its a short post but I just wanted to check in and let you all know I'm still alive............because I'm sure you were dying to know!
FF
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Where do I start with this one?? I guess I'll backtrack a couple of days so I can give you a bit more insight as to what is happening. A few days ago, my father and I cooked. In the kitchen. With real food. I.E. My dad and I did something normal together! It was weird. It wasn't a situation like when my dad and I normally are in the kitchen together ["farzad, (insert command here)!!!!x10] but it was more like "let me show you how to make this dish". VERY out of the ordinary. I actually really learned how to make persian rice and these little meatballs and it was cool. That's the end of that. Let's get the optimistic look out of our eyes and cut to today, I came home early [I didn't go to work since I had an orthodontist appt and school all day] and I made dinner. I made penne pasta with a tomato-cream cheese sauce that had fresh tomatoes, onion, garlic, oregano, basil, redpeppers, etc. And also shrimp. It came out really good (I think). As soon as my dad heard that I made dinner, I feel like he immediately started to have a sour attitude about it. I wasn't too keen on it at first but when he saw the plate and asked "what's this?" with that "you-expect-me-to-eat-that" tone and a "make-me-something-better" look, I knew I was about to turn in to effing Mt. Vesuvius up in this motha'! . Before even tasting it, he piled on more pasta. You would think that that would be a good thing, right?! WRONG!!! He took one bite.......and then another..........and one more before I asked him what he thought. Want to know what he said?? First there was a grunt and then this......."Its eatable, I guess". WHAT THE ****?!?! Did he reeeealllly just say that to me. I don't know about you but that was like a MAY-JAH insult. I would have so preferred that he told me what the dish needed or how I could have improved on it but no. "Its eatable" was all I got. Actually, I lie. That wasn't his only response to it. About 20 minutes later [after he ate the entire serving] he came to my room and asked me to make him a sandwich. I told him "why do you want a sandwich? You just ate all that pasta" he said "I didn't like that pasta. Go make me a sandwich" [Take a few minutes and then close your mouth........I was in as much shock as you are]. Seriously??! Seriously. SERIOUSLY?!? Oh no you di-dnt!! Yo nigga Far-Shniqua's 'bout to roll up in here and drop a house on yo ungrateful, wicked behind! Who da heeelllll does he think he is? Dissin me and then expecting me to make him a sandwich? Nigga please! Needless to say,I told him no. For two reasons: 1) ummmm, you just told me you hated the dinner I already prepared for you and 2) you just ate a HUGE portion of pasta that was just "eatable" and you STILL want a sandwich? Back it up, Chunk. Ya don't neeeeeed no mo' food. So there's is the story concerning the progress in getting my dad to let me go to culinary school. How do you think its coming along?
Sweet Dreams Bitches,
FF
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And its absolutely not something that I do purposefully. It is completely unintentional and only due to my airhead-ness. I ALWAYS forget to give people pictures. Why!? I always say "yeah, I'm gonna put them on my computer and I'll email then to you" but I never do. Its truly just because I forget. It always slips my mind. I can't even begin to guess how long its been that naomi has been asking me for some pictures that I have. Honestly, I don't even remember which pictures she wants. My dad has been asking me to see the pictures from our recent trip to Scottsdale but I keep forgetting to show them to him. So if you're out there thinkin "what happened to those pictures Farzad was supposed to give me?", remember, you are friends with an idiot. Its ok. You brought it on yourself. You didn't have to be nice to me but you were. So thanks for sticking by me even though I'm no genius. The hamsters on that little bitty wheel in my head need to get to steppin cuz I'm processing really slow. Run hamsters, run!!!!!
Huh?,
FF
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So my mom, the farsh and I decided to take a little mini-vacay to scottsdale last week. It was truly a spur of the moment kind of thing. On tuesday we thought about it, on wednesday we booked the hotel and on thursday we rolled out!! It was a lot of fun and my mom and I had a "hidden agenda" when we left. We went to see the school I want to go to......the Scottsdale Culinary Institute! Now, nothing is official but I have applied and I just really need to convince my dad about letting me go. If he doesn't, I fully intend to procure my own funding and finally study what I want to!! I want to keep this all kind of "hush-hush" because I don't want the same thing to happen this time as has happened in the past. Every time I've been close to going to a school I want to go to (i.e. I can literally smell the future) it doesn't happen for me due to some unforeseen circumstance. Usually my dad. I feel like maybe people think I'm just "all talk, no action". But really I'm all action! I'm always ready to go but for some reason I respect my dad so much that I feel like I can't go anywhere or make any life decisions without his blessing. I know you may think "if he wants to keep it hush hush, why is he writing about it on his blog........which happens to be on the internet.......which lots of people can easily find by searching through blogs?" The answer is this......because I effing feel like it. Its my blog and imma write what I want to! Plus, I don't really think that many people read my blog. And hopefully, whoever does will be considerate enough to keep quiet.
Ssshhhhhhh,
FF
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I'm in Scottsdale and I have been here since Thursday. I am blogging from my computer because I'm bored. I am going to take a shower now because we were in Sedona all day and I feel gross. It was hot and I was all gross and sweaty. I just thought you'd like to know whats going on with me. :)
chop,
FF
I will not, I repeat NOT, be blogging for the next few days. I do not
have my blackberry and I am using an iPhone. I HATE the typing on this
thing! I should be getting my baby back by Tuesday night. I sent my
AfricanAmericanBerry to get custom painted. It's coming back to me in
a lovely shade of white. I'll post pictures of it when it returns.
Have a lovely day!
FF
Sent from my iPhone
You know, I keep wanting to continue reading "Son of a Witch" by Gregory Maguire, author of "Wicked", but I keep getting distracted by the urge to blog. This one feels quite strange to write but I feel very unstable right now. I feel like I am at a gigantic fork in the road. I know of about 4 general areas of interest that I would love to either study or immediately begin working in but I don't know which one to choose and I can't do all of them. I mean, I'm sure I could do all of them but it would be an insane amount of responsibility to take on. Maybe I need to take a week or two, completely alone, and think about what I want to do with my life. Let me tell you of my 4 general areas of interest. Please be advised that it is quite possible for more to randomly appear on the list.
1. Culinary- this includes everything from cooking, baking, opening restaurants, going to culinary school, etc.
2. Entertainment- I love to perform. I'd love to get paid for it. That's just me. The entertainer.
3. Journalism- its always something I've been interested in and with the help of this blog, I've realized that it may be possible for me to have a bit of a future in some kind of journalism. After all, my first major was advertising and communications.
4. Clothing- I know this is one that I don't talk about very much but come on, like you couldn't tell I was in to fashion. I have always had a secret dream to be the Style Guy at GQ. Or the editor. ;-)
5. Taking over my dads business...............HA!!!!! Fooled ya! HeeHeeHeeHee!!!!
So there you have it. I am taking suggestions, advice, comments, etc. Since I have nothing else to do, I suppose I could go into further detail about each of the main points.
1. Culinary arts is something that has always captivated me. I not only have an urge to always eat, but I also want to know where my food comes from, how its made and what are the possibilities for change in the kitchen. I remember the first time I really baked anything. Picture it, Juarez, 1990. I was five years old. My Aunt Jazmin invited me to accompany her to a friends house to bake a cake. I was staying with my aunt and my Grandma for the weekend in Juarez and was excited to see what we were baking. We arrived at the house of Anita, my aunts friend. It was a small cozy house, very dark but not grim. The kitchen couldn't have been bigger than a hotel restroom but already I couldn't wait to whip something up. We were going to bake a chocolate cake. Boxed cake mix, nothing fancy. They asked if I would like to crack the eggs. I was scared yet more than willing to do it. I had never cracked an egg before. I wasn't really even sure what the inside of an egg looked like. I was only 5 years old, they were kind enough to even let me hang out with them in the kitchen let alone participate. I don't really remember that much but when the egg cracked open, I was captivated by what I saw. Brilliant yellow, clear gooey stuff. It was so cool!! We continued through the remaining steps of baking a cake from a box but I was still so mesmerized by the cracking of the egg that I couldn't concentrate on what else was going on. I'm almost positive that it was from that moment that I knew I wanted to cook. I may have only been five years old, but it is one of my clearest, most fond memories from my childhood.
2. I'm a leo and although I don't really follow horoscopes and zodiac mumbo jumbo, I've always been told that leo's always like to be the center of attention. I'm not gonna lie. I like attention. I really like performing too. I did my first commercial at the age of 11 with just a few more after that one, all the way up until I was 19 when I did a radio commercial. I participated in the childrens theatre group "kids-n-co" and even assisted in the drama classes at summer camp. Recently, I performed with local community theatre "Center Stage El Paso". And after that, one show with EPCC. I had an absolute fantastic time at both places. Every night on stage was a new show. Nothing was done exactly the same twice. There is a certain rush and high you get from knowing that people are watching your every move. Some even admiring your work. Its very fulfilling. Its also very tiring but absolutely worth it. I always think that I'd love to perform again but I don't know whether I should do that or something else.
3. Journalism. Writing has always been a little flame burning in me. Its still flickering but since starting this blog I've realized how much I really enjoy it. People read my blog and tell me they like it and that I should be a writer and I think "its just me letting out what's in my head, what's so special about that??" But then I realize, I like writing. Its fun to make up stories and poke fun at yourself through mindless rants on persexican.blogspot.com. :-) but is my blog as far as I should take it? Is my blog as far as I COULD take it? I don't know. I always fumble through old notebooks and journals that have randomly placed bits of poetry about what I was feeling on any given day and I think "I wrote that?! Where did that come from?" Maybe I have multiple personalities and one of them was related to Hemingway. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe.
4. The black sheep. This is one that I think my dad would truly kill me if I pursued it. Fashion. I've always had an interest in it. I have, in my head, planned out my denim line (FortuneJeans........don't steal my idea), because we all know how much I love a good pair of jeans. I would LOVE to have my own clothing line and make clothes that fit real people. I feel like I know what the market needs and I think that, if given the chance, I could provide it. Also, as I mentioned before, being the head honcho at GQ would make me cry everyday. Tears of joy. Many, many tears of joy.
Assist me, tell me what to do.
FF
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Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
I just dropped my blackberry and I feel like smacking my head against a wall because it didn't have a rubber on (i.e.unprotected). There are now 3 (THREE) areas of damage along with one marking on the back that mysteriously appeared sometime yesterday. Functionally, its ok. But my berry is tainted. Its no longer perfect. :-( oh well....my birthday party was yesterday and I'm sure you all want to hear how it was........................it was ok. I was happy that a majority of the people who rsvp'd showed up. The rest of them however (about 25 people) rsvp'd and failed to show up. I am not gonna lie, I'm pretty pissed off about it. I ordered food for 80 people and at the last minute (due to the number of people who rsvp'd) I ordered even more dinner servings. I spent a total of $850 on food for people who didn't even bother to let me know they were lying when they said they were coming. Only one person had the courtesy and respect to inform me of their absence (T, thanks). Just for the record, I wouldn't have been upset if you had told me you weren't coming. I would have said "thanks for letting me know" and then immediately called the caterer to cancel the extra portions. The unnecessary expenditures of this party were in the 400 dollar range. I'll be accepting checks from those of you who rsvp'd and didn't show.
On the bright side, this was a birthday that my dad did NOT ruin. On my 18th birthday, my dad took away my credit cards and grounded me. I snuck out anyway. On 19 and 20, he didn't completely ruin them but he was a buzzkill because of his pointless random arguments and complaints. On my 21st birthday, which started out as the best birthday EVER! because Shakira opened the U.S. leg of her tour here in El Paso ON my birthday, my dad took my car away right before the concert. He couldn't wait until the next day, or maybe the week after, no, he took it ONE hour before the concert FOR NO VALID REASON!!! My 22nd birthday was not included in this because I was in San Diego and he was not present to ruin anything. Haha! So this year, he actually helped me have a better party. He was completely willing to give me his credit card to purchase items for the party. The whole time he was there, he was being helpful and playful instead of analytical and criticizing everything. So thanks Dad for not ruining this one.
Amen,
FF
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Last night got a little too heavy for me. I was busy most of the night preparing things for my party for today but I decided that I wanted to be out by midnight with my birthday drink in hand. Well, I was out at 1130 with many, many birthday drinks in hand. I have learned a lesson and here it is.........just because its your birthday does NOT mean you are invisible to intoxication. I took "birthday shot" after "birthday shot" after"birthday shot" etc. I think I had about 8 or 9 birthday shots in a timespan of about 1 1/2 hrs. That was insane for me to do and although I had fun with everyone that was there (naomi, steve, karla, beverly leslie and jenn) tonight, at my party, I will defenitely be turning things down a notch. Sorry to anyone that expected to see me mindblowingly drunk but I can't do that 2 nights in a row. I hate throwing up and I did all over the Farsh's car last night. So gross. Now, I am going to shower and begin final preparations for my party tonight. Be there or be an A-hole.
Itsmybrthday!!!!
FF
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And now they arepkayiing suavementew asd the last song, c an you tell I a little durnkIizzzle??? I feel like I may fall over at any moment. I hope I don't throw up!!! But its my birthday soi don't care!!!!!!!
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I just thought I should let you know, I WAS going to do a full blog but I'm too tired right now. Its almost 2 am and I have to be up at 7am. But I will leave you with this, on my way home tonight I was thinking about what I REALLY want to do for my birthday and it actually doesn't include this big party I'm throwing. I would really like to just be alone. Go to the movies, eat some popcorn with extra butttttah! I don't know why. I'd rather not just not do anything exciting. But oh well, I already paid the caterers.
Oh Bother,
FF
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Pobresita mi Belita!!! My little baby Bela got sick today. I don't know what's wrong with her and I feel like an actual parent. I can't sleep cuz I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with her. I keep wondering if she's ok and then I get out of bed to check on her and she's sleeping safe and sound. At least I hope she's sleeping! Wait.........her chest is moving, its all good, she's alive! I told my mom about it and she said that's how she was when we were kids and we got sick. Aaaawwww.......que cuted! Then my mom saw what I was watching on TLC. It was a show about these siamese twins and my mom literally screamed! She seemed to be scared of what she saw. I couldn't believe she freaked out so much!!! The look on her face was priceless. She was astounded and shocked that there could be one body with 2 heads. Yeah its pretty freaky but she's 45!!!! You'd think she's seen this kind of thing before. On a lighter note, I got my first birthday gift today. :-) it was a cologne (burberry brit) AND cash. From the same person. Now THAT'S how you give a gift! Haha! And it was a lot of cash too! $120. That's a lot considering they already gave me a cologne. But hey, if they wanna give it, who am I to stop them?!? I did think $120 was a weird amount though. Its like they meant to give me $100 but miscounted the bills. Not that I'm complaining! Its just a weird number. Now back to a bit more of a morose note, my mom thinks I'm depressed. Sara also suggested that I might be depressed. The more people tell me it, the more I'll feel it!! Maybe I'm just moody! BACK UP OUT MY KOOL-AID!!!! Heehee. I have very much been in a "I-just-don't-wanna-get-out-of-bed" mood lately. Also a "I-don't-wanna-go-out-and-see-anyone" mood. But I don't think that means I'm depressed. I don't have anything to be depressed about! My birthday is in 4 days!! I'm gonna be 23. There's gonna be a fantastic party!! Dalit is coming for the party!!!! And Karla is here!! The only ones missing are Joey and Cecilia!! :-( But I have a lot to look forward to. Although, I did notice some wrinkles on my forehead. Maybe that's it. Its the wrinkles. Those depressing wrinkles.....
Is it too early for Botox??
FF
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More than one person have asked that I post a "wishlist" because we all know that I am hard to shop for. This is going to be a small wish list and I am not posting it on the birthday blog because I don't want people to think I'm expecting or demanding gifts. (But then again, who doesn't like getting gifts?!). So here it is. If what you were thinking of getting me is on there, congrats, you know me well. If its not but you already bought it, I'll accept anything with a gift receipt.
- cash (as you know, I'm trying to save money for school.)
- cologne (marc jacobs, jean paul gaultier, prada)
- ANYTHING for the wii. (i.e. Rock band, wii fit, singing games, the white microphone which is currently available at best buy, etc)
- gift cards (express, dillards, aldo, TARGET!!!, ulta, simon visas, etc)
- cookbooks. I really like the top chef one, which is currently available at barnes and noble, but really any cookbook will do.
- anything you think I'd like. I'd like to think that its the thought that counts...........HA! I can't even say that with a straight face!! Jk! Jk!
In conclusion, you really don't have to get me anything. If you just come to my party and have a good time, I really will be just as happy as if you walked in with 10 bottles of Marc Jacobs cologne. ;-)
5 Days!!!!!
FF
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Like the corner of my mind. Misty water colored mem'ries, of the way we weeeeerrreeee. Ok so I'm gonna tell you all what happened this week. It all seems very strange to me but I don't know why. If you've known me for a while, you'll remember that I used perform with a local theatre group. It was honestly a fantastic time in my life. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be because it was truly like a family. We were all very close and always there for each other. One day, everything got turned upside down and I will not go into details but I got kicked out. I always assumed that I was really not allowed back in. It would have been awkward for me to return to something that I had been run out of. This week I received a couple of comments on myspace that seemed strange to me. From the time I got kicked out, about a year ago, I have very sparsely kept in contact with the owners. Just occasional messages now and then but nothing on a regular basis. I suppose that's why it seemed so strange that earlier this week, I received the first comment, something along the lines of "we'd like you to come see the show. We've got tickets for you at the front. Everyone wants to see you". It seemed to me like a friendly gesture. Maybe a sort of "white flag". I replied with "thanks! I'll be there friday". Shortly thereafter, they replied "...we've got a gift for you!" What? A gift? A gift?! (I'm not gonna lie, I love gifts. But this seemed weird to me.) I didn't reply and I just figured I would put on a happy face when I went to see their show on friday. So, friday rolls along and Karla, being the wonderful, loyal friend that she is, came with me to see the show. When I walked in, I was so nervous! I don't know why but I really felt a little sick to my stomach. Then I saw familiar faces and I didn't just put on a happy face, the happy face appeared on its own. I was genuinely happy to be there. Everyone had smiles on their faces and it was a great feeling to get to see so many old friends. The show was really funny. Great creativity and super funny lyrics. Seeing all those happy people on stage made me remember all the great times I had up there. People that I've known for a while have really matured as performers and improved exponentially. The newbies (at least to me) were pretty good too. A LOT of younger kids. I felt old knowing that I used to perform with some of them. Now I have a dilemma. I now remember how much I loved performing. Even though I got to perform with EPCC (which was fun too but not the same), I really miss performing with such a close knit group. My problem is that I don't know that I could go back. I've got a lot going on with work. I keep trying to get more hours ( but I can never seem to get there before 10 am) but I am full time anyway. I need to really save money for the school that I want to go to. I just.......I would love to perform again. I don't know. I'm lost. I need a vacation. I need to clear my head. I need to get away to a place where I don't know anyone and just think. Think. Think. Think. I'll need a lot of painkiller to get rid of the massive headaches with all that thinking but nevertheless, I need to think.
Think,
FF
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I'm trying out this new thing on my blackberry called "spotjots". this is my first post with this program. it automatically posts messages to whatever one of my social network websites. like this one, facebook, twitter, etc. I'm blogging from work by the way.
Posted on SpotJots near: work
I've been sitting at home watching old home movies for about an hour and a half. In this time, I've relived some moments that have almost brought me to tears. I don't know if they are tears because I am still very much a child on the inside, or tears because I feel so effing old. I've, in a way, seen my life flash before my eyes. My first kiss (which just so happened to be on my first birthday, haha!), a tour of my childhood home, my birth (not the actual delivery but the day of, I didn't even have a name yet), numerous birthday parties and embarrassing old footage. AND my first commercials! They are ridiculous! The most ridiculous thing of all though is that my dad was not the one taking the video. True, he was in parts of various videos, but he was never behind the camera and at times, he wasn't even there! The funny thing is that my Uncle Hellman was the one that recorded almost all of the videos. You hear him encouraging us, laughing with us, making jokes, etc. Aren't those the kinds of things that dads should do (for their own children?) So even though I'm almost positive that my Uncle Hellman will never read my blog, I'd like to just put this out there, thank you. Thank you for being there with us, apparently since the beginning.
As I continue watching these videos, my eyes keep welling up with tears. As its happening, I think to myself "why are you crying?!" And the only answer is, "I don't know". Why in the world would I cry about old home movies in which everything was fun and happy?! This just makes me feel more and more like I may be depressed and I don't know why. Also, people at work are now telling me almost daily that I look so tired. I'm not that tired!!!!! If my face shows it, I really don't mean it to. Although now its 1:32 on a Tuesday night and I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. I can't think anymore.
God is Love,
Rev Fraz
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I fear my boots have been ruined. I must wait 'til morn to uncover the truth behind my suspicions but the circumstances seem dreary. The day has been long and the rains seem to be everlasting. Endless rivers and lakes suddenly appear where laughing children and running animals once were. Is this the time of Noah? Nay. It is the monsoon season. Only once a year do the eternal showers visit our village. This may be the worst yet. Businesses closed due to bad weather. Vehicles abandoned on roadsides. Families run out of their houses just to escape the climbing waters. What shall we do? What shall we do? As of yet, our only option seems to be endurance. It is true what they say, only the strong survive. Whether it be rains (from Spain) that overtake our plains or gale-force winds that destroy our well-coiffed hair, I am staying strong. I laugh in the face of extreme weather. HA HA! I AM STRONG ENOUGH! I CAN DO IT! SILLY WEATHER, FLOODS ARE FOR KIDS! Now, about my boots. I really think they got ruined! I was walking out of the persian-party-of-the-hour when I stepped off the sidewalk and into a HUGE puddle of water (duh, of course it was water). I felt it slowly making its way inside my boots. My socks very quickly started to become sponges of that damned rain water. Ugh! Why can't we have proper drainage systems here in this darn city. Whatever, now I have a proper excuse to go shoe shopping. Woot!!!!
Cheese-and-Rice,
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
I should know better, I know but I had a lot of fun tonight!! I went to the eastside (cuz it was my turn) and Sara, Isela and I went to Whiskey Dicks. Its a country bar and the first song the played (which reminded me of Joey) was "Young" by Kenny Chesney. The three of us got our drinks, Isela and I double fisting of course, haha!, and we proceeded to find a place by the dance floor. We ran into Albert (the one that used to work with us) and Tom (also, the one who used to work with us) and Rick and Sal (who still work with us). It was a lot of fun maybe one too many shots were taken but I got home ok and thats all that matters. As we were sitting at a bar near the dance floor, I chose my "favorite couple", I nicknamed them the Rapunzels. They both had extremely long hair. The guy had his in a braided pony tail and the girl left hers flowing loosely. They were very strange to watch dancing together cuz they didn't seem to match very well. And later I saw them hitting all up on this chick and I was sure they were all gonna leave together and get into situations they were definitely not going to be proud of in the morning. Whatevs! Now I'm home and I am ready to sleep. I thought I was gonna shoot myself because of all that damned country music but after a few more shots and drinks, I completely forgot where I was. After the bar, we went to McDonalds and I got Double Cheeseburger(s). It (they) were good. I got home and my brothers friend Noelle is back in town, she was out in front of my house talking to me for a while. That's all. I'm going to sleep now.
Peace Out B's!!
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
So a few days ago, Karla asked me to make a cake for a party her office was having to celebrate the anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act. She asked me to put the logo (a person in a wheelchair, similar to the handicap sign, breaking free from chains) on it. She also asked me to write something on it. I assumed she said "Happy Birthday 88th" and I went to the website and thought I saw that it was the 25th anniversary. So I wrote the following on the cake: "Happy Birthday 88th!! 25 Years and Counting!" I was so excited because not only did the cake look nice but it was 1 am and I was excited to get into my bed. I sent an MMS of a picture of the finished cake to Karla and she calls within 2 minutes. "Does that say "Happy Birthday 88th!! 25 Years and Counting!"?" And I said "yes". She started to laugh (but attempted to hold it in so as not to make me feel like a dumbass ) and told me "its supposed to say "Happy Birthday ADA!! 18 Years and Counting!". I felt like a complete fool. How could I be such an idiot! Then again, Karla maybe should have written it down for me (*cough* hint hint) Luckily it was easy to fix but I felt so stupid! I even tried to explain to my brother when he said "shouldn't it say "Happy 88th Birthday"?, I said "no, its the 25th anniversary of the 88th amendment, its the Americans with Disabilities Act". I said that with such pride, thinking "I sound smart!" Its ok, you can laugh. I just did. Honestly, I don't even know how many amendments there are. I was making it up but when I said it, I totally thought I was right. Since I had never seen the actual writing request in actual writing (I had only heard it spoken) I COMPLETELY misintrepeted it. But come on, "88th" and "A.D.A" could totally sound the same over the phone. Right?!
Gooooobyyyyee,
FF
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The following is a conversation that took place in the early morning hours on Sunday, July 20th. It describes and details events that took place on Friday July 18 and Saturday July 20. This conversation was copied and pasted directly from Yahoo! Messenger to this blog for your reading pleasure. Please disregard the spelling errors as I was obviously slightly intoxicated. Enjoy!
Participants:
-------------
farfarr09, cisilberry
Messages:
---------
farfarr09: My friends sara and shahrzad (sisters, semi-persian) are in town for shahrzads wedding party. She got married in october in virginia and her dad threw her a party here for all the people who couldn't go out there.
farfarr09: .........
farfarr09: The three of us used to be reealy good, really silly friends. I think it was with them that I began my interpretive dancing and general outgoing attitude so when they come into town, we go crazazay. $
farfarr09: Well tonight at the "wedding" we were drinking, all of our parents were there and they made us dance. You KNOW how I get when I dance. Picture that, times 10. I went NUTS! I pretty much performed for about 100 of my parents closest friends.
cisilberry: lmao...oh my god....ur such a nut!!!
farfarr09: I did bohemian rhapsody, don't stop believin, the carlton dance, etc, etc.
cisilberry: i pictured it all
cisilberry: lmao
farfarr09: Well whatever you pictured, add this.....
farfarr09: People gathered around, they pulled up chairs to watch me. I don't know if I was too drunk and was acting stupid or if I was doing something amazing. I am pretty sure it was amazing because my mom came up to me after with a huge smile on her face and gave me a big hug.
farfarr09: Oh I don't know if I mentioned...........it was a solo performance. SOLO! That's how buzzed I got.
cisilberry: ha! i love it! so she was proud of you acting like a fool?
farfarr09: I guess it was so much a fooooool as it was pure awesomeness.
farfarr09: :-)
cisilberry: i hate to break it to you, but that wasn
cisilberry: wasn't no buzz
farfarr09: Plus I haven't eaten since wednesday cuz of these dumb rubber band I got on my braces
farfarr09: So it went right through me.
cisilberry: =))
farfarr09: I think it was a really good buzz. I was drunk. Aryan and I took like 3 shots of tequila. Cuz when I started dancing, it was cuz all the persian ladies pulled us out there but then I did the carlton and it was solid gold soul train from then on.
cisilberry: OMG! i'm so sad i missed it! any evidence?
farfarr09: Oh no, I mean I wasn't drunk. Lol! I just read that!
farfarr09: Of course there's evidence!!!! I was singing into peoples cameras!
farfarr09: Lol!
cisilberry: ha you busted yourselft
farfarr09: Haha! But you should have seen shahrzad and I yesterday at erins. We sang "the greatest love of all" and "baby got back". People cheered and clapped for us DURING the performance. No one ever gets that kind of reaction. But I guess that's what happens when yous a badass!
farfarr09: Lol!
cisilberry: what????? yeah right that's what happens when everyone's drunk and their senses are impaired
farfarr09: Whatevs, don't be hatin!
farfarr09: So how is everything going over there and what made you think of that song?
cisilberry: oh, it's going good, my friend has that song, but it
cisilberry: it's in english and he wants to hear it in spanish
cisilberry: like it's that much different lol
farfarr09: They have it in espanol? Thas crasy!
cisilberry: you nut! you've heard it
cisilberry: it says sigame and arriba y abajo
farfarr09: I have? Prove it! (I sound like naomi)
farfarr09: Have you read the blog recently?
cisilberry: lol yeah, you do
cisilberry: no haven't the internet just came back up from like a week
cisilberry: it sucks :(
farfarr09: As long as I can communicate with you every once in a while, I'm happy. So even if I'm not on, send me a "hello, is it me your lookin for?!" every once in a while.
cisilberry: ok i will :D
cisilberry: well gotta go i'm meeting a buddy. for lunh. holla!
farfarr09: K bye!
cisilberry: bye
cisilberry has signed out.
FF
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Damnit!!!!! Damnit damnit damnit! I'm addicted! I can't stop eating. I really can't stop eating. I just went out for no more than 2 hours with Karla and Leslie and I couldn't effing stop myself from going to Taco Bell. I wasn't even hungry really I need therapy. Today, when I got home from work, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I had to try SO HARD to not eat a whole pack of oreos with peanut butter. Maybe I had just a couple of the.m [:-)] Then I had a plate of persian food with MUCH more rice than I really should have eaten. I need to stop eating so much! I love food but I feel like I may be getting to the point where I'm actually obsessed with food. When I see it, I have to eat it. If I don't, I get extremely quiet, grumpy, moody, etc. I turn into a little kid who didn't get the toy he wanted. I don't know what it is. Maybe since I have stopped shopping so much I need something to fill the void?! I don't know! What I do know is that its driving me crazy and I need to cut back. I know I can do it. I need help with it but I know I can. The day before yesterday, I ALMOST went to krispy kreme and I'm sure that if I would have gone, at least 8 donuts would have disappeared. I used this new thing called "will-power" and stopped myself from going there only to get a 3 Musketeers bar and totally hoover it down. Just the other day, I ate almost 3/4 of a bag of Veggie Stix (equivalent to a family size bag of Lay's) in about 45 minutes! Not only did I eat all that but I ate it while I was standing in front of the tv. Hey, stabding burns calories, right? If I don't stop myself, I don't know what might happen to me. I need to eat healthier. If I am going to eat so much, it might as well be something good, right?! Also, I ate an ENTIRE pack of Oreo's in one sitting, only because I was mindlessly eating. I didn't even realize how many I had eaten until I reached into the bowl and they were all gone! If anyone out there has suggestions for me to not be such an effing cow, please advise me. If you remember, a few posts back I spoke about a bet that we had going on in our office pertaining to weight loss. Well, let's just say I'll most likely have to kiss my $50 goodbye.
With a tear in my eye and a mexican pizza on my mind,
FF
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